Today I received a beautiful message from my dear sister in Mexico and I wanted to post it
on this blog. She said something very beautiful at the end of the letter which was not to think
that my Aunt is far way from me, but that she died to be closer to me. That is such a great comfort.

Letter from Lupita:

en verdad siento mucho que estes pasando por esto, te entiendo perfectamente, pero bueno no cabe mas que decir que aveces no debe de haber un motivo ni una razon para morir, simplemente los doctores no sabian lo que estaba pasando por que en verdad los seres humanos no tenemos ni idea de lo que pasa cuando morimos y por que morimos en determinada fecha o circunstancia, es algo maravilloso algo fuera de nuestro alcance, que no entenderemos hasta que pasemos por eso, pero aunque sea doloroso para nosotros los vivos, es algo maravilloso para los que mueren, mi hermano me lo ha hecho saber asi, en verdad nos ha mandado tantos mensajes, tantas palabras que nos reconfortan, que no le tengo miedo a morir, nunca le tube pero ahora menos, por que se lo que hay despues, por que estoy segura de que hay algo, por que se que me espera mi hermano, y si muero cuando no debia, tendra un significado, asi tu tia, no murio por que tu estuvieses embarazada, murio por que tenia que morir se acabo su ciclo para que tu hijo pudiera empezar uno nuevo, y si, va estar contigo, y si lo va a conocer aunque tu no lo sepas, y lo sabras, sabras que esta ahi contigo, cierra tus ojos y escucha con tu corazon y veras que ella vendra, despues te mandare un mensaje que nos envio mi hermano....

no pienses que se fue lejos, piensa que se fue para estar mas cerca de ti...

te quiero mucho y lo siento en verdad

12 Weeks

Time has flown by and little one you are now in your 12 week of gestation.
So much has happened since the last time that I wrote an entry in your baby blog.
My tummy is starting to stick out and you are going to be nearly 3 inches long by
the end of this week. It is hard to believe still that you are in there and that
Dad and I are going to have a son or a daughter in six months time. I can't wait
until I can feel you moving around and when my tummy is sticking out and you can
play with your dad from the inside of me.

Your Dad and I decided to go away for two weeks and take a permaculture course.
I was not sure if we should as it seemed to be a lot of money, but then I kept
having this niggling feeling inside telling me to just go ahead. It is always good
to follow your gut feelings as those two weeks changed our life. We are now clear
that we want to live in the country and raise you in a place with clean air and
farm animals and a beautiful vegetable garden. Dad realized that he wants to teach
permaculture and so we are going to work in the city for a few more years or less
if we can manage, and move to the countryside where we can buy a small block of
land and teach you about how to take care of the earth.

During our trip, I received some very, very sad news. I have been talking to you
about it as I know you share my emotions while you are riding around in my belly. My dear Great-Aunt Veronica died suddenly and unexpectedly on February 12, 2007. She had been in the hospital for a minor procedure that went well and then a week later, she ended up with an impacted hernia which required emergency surgery. I did not know this
& before I left on Thursday, I had talked to her. She sounded like her old self, full
of vigor and life. On Tuesday, your Grammy and Pop-Pop called me to tell me that she
had died with a complication that they did not quite understand, but it seems that
she went into respiratory distress and came to with a tube down her throat. She
said to my aunt who was with her that it was her husband's birthday and a few hours
later she died. I am so very sad as I spent my childhood seeing her nearly every day and

I was always in touch with her. She was so very special to me and I wanted her to meet
you in person. I have a feeling through that you are meeting her in spirit as you
ride around in my tummy. It has just been a very difficult time for me and I did
not want her to die while I was pregnant. I keep telling you that you are o.k. and
that I will be o.k. and that death is a natural part of life that just makes us
feel sad while we get used to not having the person with us physically.

My cousin Chrissie, who is expecting a baby girl in June, wrote me a beautiful
e-mail that I wanted to include in this blog as it really helped me to see how
Aunt Veronica will continue to live through me to raise you into a wonderful
human being:

Letter from my cousin Chrissie:

I will share with you the biggest revelation that I received from
Grammy's death.  I understand your feelings for AV as I lived on the same street
as Grammy for 10 years and spent almost as much time with her as I did my
own mother.  Grammy's love for me was unconditional so in a way I had more loving
feelings toward her because there was no discipline, does that
make sense?  I believe I have an idea of how you are feeling and hope this
offers some comfort, especially where the baby is concerned.

Grammy died a few weeks after Mike and I got engaged.  It was nearly
impossible for me to imagine my wedding without her and I was
devastated by it.  She knew Mike and I were engaged and was thrilled but I felt
awful that she would not be there.  It took me a few months to really get over it
to the point where I would cry every time I thought of her.  The
hardest part for me was the physical void her death left in my life.  I had a
part of my heart that was dedicated to her and I still had all of this love
to give but there was no one to receive it.  I also felt the pain as I
watched my mother grieve as Grammy was her best friend.

At this time I was still unsure that I wanted to have children.  Mike
and I were very happy as a couple but I was unsure of how we would be as
parents.  I went back and forth about it a lot.  It was a few months after Grammy
died that I realized it was my destiny to have a child because all of the
love I had to give to Grammy I could give to someone else, she would have
wanted it that way.  In addition, even though Grammy was gone by having my own
child I could watch my mother become a Grammy to her and perpetuate that love
we shared. The love and relationship would still exist, only in a
different form.  I am especially pleased to be having a daughter so this could
happen for us. I have really come to believe that the love is a circle that
moves through the family and through generations.

The feeling of the physical void is very strong, it was truly theworst heartbreak I had ever felt.  The feeling does pass eventually.  I can
say there is never a day I do not think of her nor do I want there to be.
My house is full of her art and I am sure my parenting techniques will be
a reflection of her in some ways as well.  I know AV is thrilled about
your baby and you can share your stories and love of her with your little
one.  I know this does not make things any easier but I think that the joy this
baby will bring to your family will help ease your pain and will keep your love
of Veronica alive.