Kiran 9 months and Maia 3 years

At lot has been happening this month. Kiran took his first steps towards crawling on David's birthday, October 15 and today, showed us that he can get across a room if he as an object dangled in front of him and moved away at close proximity. He still preferred to scoot by pulling himself by his hands across our wooden floor, but is crawling to get to things at short distances. It is time for me to take some time with him and go with him to Montessori School and maybe swimming.

Maia will be starting school in a week's time on November 3 at the local Montessori school. She has turned a corner and is showing that it is time for her to have some bit of time with peers her age. I had doubted whether to send her until I saw the change after we came back from the U.S.A. this August. She is more comfortable socially and really enjoys other children her age. She is so darn bright and says the most beautiful things and is now asking questions. She is a very helpful and loving little girl, who is so good with her little brother, who she sweetly refers to as Bud Bud.

I have been a bit puzzled this year as to how to help Maia be more consistent in going to the toilet. There will be days that go by and we will not have an accident especially, when I made Tea Party a consequence and basically said that if she was dry, she could have a tea party. But that did not seem to be the best solution when there were days I could not reward her with a tea party if I was really busy. And so she reverted back to wetting herself and really wetting herself to the point that I lost my temper on a few occasions, which left both of us feeling really terrible. Today, was one of those days when I was breastfeeding Kiran and could see her starting to jiggle around like she had to use the toilet and I asked her gently to go to bathroom and she just continued to refuse until I became more insistent and lost my temper and shouted at her to go and use the potty. I certainly did not win the Mother of the Year award today. I need to find another way as I know I am hurting her and not teaching her healthy behavior when she one day is angry or upset about something. She will just yell at me or David. I think the hardest thing about being a parent is exorcising the demons of our parents and the negative behaviors that they passed on to us as I know I was treated with disrespect by my Dad and I feel I am doing the same, but what did my Mom do, I can't even remember how she treated me in those situations. I just wish my first response was like David's, which is more gentle and respectful. I am actually going to go and see a hypnotherapist to try and rewire my responses as I can't go on like this with my sweet little people. I would never want anyone to treat them the way I treat Maia on a few occasions now when I am stressed, she is non-compliant or I just am upset by her behavior, which really is only when she wets herself, at least at this stage. Whenever I loose the plot, which has not been that often, but I have always apologized to Maia and told her how my behavior was wrong. Tonight as I laid in bed with her and told her how much I loved her and how sorry I was for yelling today, she said that it made her feel scared and sad. I validated her feelings and told her that I would get some help. And you know what she said to me, Momma, just watch what you say... She is so wise and such a sensitive little soul. We are so blessed to have she and Kiran.

I have found mothering two children to be quite challenging and not because of the children, as I have the easiest children on the planet, but for the sheer workload and the loss of myself. I now see the value in a life as a couple without kids and say this merely to highlight for both Maia and Kiran that it is equally admirable to decide to life with yourself or with a partner and decide not to have children. You might read this and think, "What does Mom not want us?" I could not live my life without either of you and I love you so very much, but now I am a mother and I see what comes with mothering and knowing what my life was before children, I can see how interesting my life was as a partner to your dad, a yoga student, a writer and just a free spirited person, who now is basically a cook, a cleaner, and a laundry mat....laugh. Maybe I will find that bit of time for myself as you get older and I most likely will, but I just wish I had more time just to be with you instead of feeling split all the time between what I have to do and what needs to be done with feeding you well and looking after our home as well as just being a good Mum to you and spending time with you. If I was able to have some type of hired help to look after the mundane, then my life would feel more balanced in many ways. It sounds like I want to be the Queen of Sheba or something, but mothering in this day and age is crazy as women are isolated and alone. We have "Mother's Groups" to catch up with other women, but that is a fallback to what it used to be when we lived in community and shared the cooking, the cleaning, friendships and children had each other to pay with. Now I am sending Maia off to pre-school at age three, when she should be playing in our back yard with another child her age. It just seems so out of balance for all of us. So I have had my ups and downs with the transition from couple to child and from a single child to two in the last three years, but looking at the two of you, I think, there is no way I could have just had one child. Like I said to your Dad today, when we choose to have a child, we choose to parent two children as I would have never wanted a life with just one child as I can see how much the two of you enjoy each other and how much Maia enjoys having a brother. I just pray that I can become more centered so that you can look back and say that I was a mother who loved you unconditionally and was patient and kind under all sorts of circumstances as children have their ups and downs as well as behavioral issues that surface and I just want to be there for you with love not criticism or frustration and anger. Anyway, that is where I am today and know you are both love and wanted...it is just the work load I am trying to juggle and also find myself again in the mix of motherhood and all that goes with it.

We have had a really difficult week as David's position was removed from the company structure. He was given the choice of a payout or a five month project with a payout at the end of it. He is going for the payout and will look for work. We are o.k. with it and trusting in life's direction as we always end up on our feet.

So I need to get ready for bed as Kiran has been waking up twice a night. As of two nights ago, he started sleeping with Maia in her room as David and I can't keep sleeping apart or in the guest room so he can sleep along in ours. Anyway, hopefully one night he will just start sleeping through and surprise me.

Love to you both. Momma