Little One, This is such an exciting time as I have been feeling you move for the past month and when your Dad returned from Tasmania, the day afterwards (Week 20), you gave him quite a few little kicks and you continue to do so. It is a strange sensation to feel you moving around inside me and I am feeling more and more excited that you can now feel, hear and see dark and light. I often wonder what you are doing in there and wish I could have a glimpse of just how you are moving as sometimes you hit me so hard it startles me and you are only just a little sprout about 10 inches long and just over a pound or 500 grams.
Pregnancy seems to be a time when mother's get to work through anything from their own experience that is still hanging about and needs resolved on an emotional level. It is good to release it and as I do, I explain to you what I am feeling so that we can learn together.
I talk to you all the time and I explain how I am feeling and explain things to you as though you understand me as I really believe that on some level you do understand and as I learn something, you learn with me. I never want you to get confused with my emotions and so I clarify things for you. Like I couldn't figure out why I was nervous about having a little girl and then I realized that I was projecting my experience as a baby onto you and was irrationally worried that you would suffer as I suffered as a baby. My mother and dad loved me very much, but they were going through a really difficult time as a couple and my mother was suffering greatly. She was really sad and hurt. So after I was born, I could sense my mum's sadness and upset, which lasted for nearly a year or more of my life and I still feel that sadness surface as there is a part of me that remembers. She loved me and really took good care of me, but she was not in a happy, peaceful state of mind. I don't know when it all happened as it could have been six months after I was born, but it was definitely in my first year of life that they had marital problems.
Now understanding what I do about babies and their development, it seems that the first two years of life lay down the emotional groundwork for a child and if there is any upset, it can have long lasting consequences. I often wonder if my Dad had been more at peace and had a loving and respectful relationship with my mother how I would be different and more peaceful inside.
I feel so very lucky that you are coming into a loving, respectful and kind relationship. Your dad and I love each other very much and we have a very solid relationship that is ready to accept you into our lives and give you the attention and love that you need to thrive and feel emotionally secure. In many ways, you are going to get the experience that all little people deserve to develop to their highest potential as a person. (This is not to say that your Dad or I are perfect, but we are aware and will do our very best to give you the love that you need to thrive in your life.) Plus, if everything goes to plan, we hope to have you here at home in our bedroom with Betty and my dear friend Cass, as a birth support. It will be so nice to not have to go to hospital, unless, of course, it is medically necessary. I really feel comforted by the fact that we are treating birth as a natural life event.
According to a book that I am reading, "Pre-Natal Parenting," you are already experiencing all that love right now and you are developing a security about yourself and your environment. Little one, know that you are loved deeply. We are so anxious to hold you and to kiss your sweet head and just marvel at the wonder that you are....
In terms of physical changes, I have to say that I started noticing my pants were getting tighter around week 18 and so I could not longer wear my jeans. Now I am down to the last few pairs of my regular pants that seem to fit, but will not in another month as your house continues to stretch upwards. Our midwife, Betty, came by on Tuesday night and said that my uterus is now just above my belly button and growing up well. She also was able to find your heartbeat and for the first time got a reading right on top of your little heart. It sounded like a little frog in there. Your heartbeat seems to average around 150 BPM.
This past week, I noticed that I feel an increase of pressure on my bladder and have an urgency to go to the toilet. On the other end, I tend to be constipated and find that I can't eat big meals anymore. Sometimes after I eat, I have a hard knot that I feel tighten just below my sternum or a band of tightness and discomfort that stretches across my abdomen, just below my rib cage. My hips ache and I can see a few spider veins appearing here and there. Really, though on average, I feel quite well and these symptoms are just a natural part of the body changing.
I just wanted to note these changes so that if you are a girl and ever have children, you can see if you have anything similar changing in your body when you carry your little one.
This week, your Dad and I went to a talk called, "Parenting for a Peaceful World." It really gave me a lot of confidence to think that many of the techniques that the speaker highlighted are skills that I had to learn in my role as a counselor. I don't know what it will be like to raise you as a toddler, but according to the speaker, attachment parenting helps establish the emotional stability that the toddler will need to freely express him or herself. Then, you have to start helping your child develop healthy boundaries and those are best established if you can create an emotional connection with that child. So instead of just making rules, you try and help the child connect emotionally with you and why you are setting the rules, so eventually instead of just blindly following along with a list of dos and don'ts, the child can connect with the parent's emotional reason for setting the rules. It all sounds good in theory. I just hope that I have the patience to let you go through what you need to emotionally and help to give you clear boundaries. I will do my very best.
I have also been doing regular excercise this week and I have been doing a bit of meditation in the morning as well as yoga. Then, I took us on a trip to Cronulla where we went twice for a swim this week in the rock pools. It was such a nice feeling and your dad noticed how relaxed I looked afterwards. It is so nice to go with you to the water and enjoy the sun shine. Now that you can see light and dark and feel, it must be pretty special for you to go with my on my swim, hear the ocean and water around me as well as see the sun on my belly as we sit and eat our lunch together on the grass, while looking at the beautiful sea. I didn't think I was that big on the ocean, but there is something really beautiful about the water here in Australia.
I am looking forward to sharing you with my Mum when she comes to visit us in October. Your Grammy Jean is a very special lady who is so kind and loving and I know you will really appreciate the time that we have with her together.
Another nice thing that your Dad and I do with you is that we snug every morning and send you lots of love and when Dad gets home from work we each read you a book and we have started reading the book, "How do I love YOU" every night before we go to bed. They say that little people remember stories and are comforted to hear them again outside of the womb, so it will be nice to make this a special ritual and we will always read that book to you each night and remind you of the special time that you were in my belly and very much loved by Dad and I.
Well, little one, this has been a really long entry, but so much has been going on that I wanted to let you know how I have been feeling and what we have been doing together.
I want to write to you on a weekly basis from now until you are born, so until next week. More adventures for us as you continue to grow healthy and strong.
Love,
Momma
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