Eight Months Later

It is hard to believe that eight months have passed since Kiran was born. I have promised myself to write in this blog more often to capture the highs and lows of parenting as I have been on a bit of a roller coaster since Kiran's birth. The same happened with Maia as I adjusted to going from being a couple to being a family and the challenges the accompany making that transition and figuring out how to be a parent. What brought me to write this evening was a feeling that I have still not let go since Kiran's birth and I wonder how to move past it, but as I read my issue of Birthings magazine, a publication where homebirth mothers speak of their incredible birth experiences, I had this feeling of regret when I realized how much I wished that I could go back in time and just savour the high of Kiran's birth and keep it private without the outside interference that I allowed with the visit from Carmen and Bill the day he was born as well as the media interviews. Actually, my biggest regret is not so much the media, but not giving ourselves just one day to celebrate and relish in the magic of just having given birth to our beautiful baby boy. I wish so much I would have wrapped myself in the peace and exhilaration of that moment and not worried about inviting my in-laws. I know I was worried that they would want to come around the dreaded "third" day when my hormones were low and I was not feeling well enough for company. So excited to share our bundle of love after being isolated from family and friends as we waited to see him, we asked them to come and as you have read and I only wish they would have used better judgement themselves then to travel to see us on such a special day. How can I move past that regret as his birth was so perfect and magic and then to be met by such a contrast by the presence of such a sick person in the house? Would it help for me to speak to them about it? I think I will talk to Betty and see what insight she may have in assisting me to move past it and focus on the amazing moments of that birth experience.

Kiran has been the most placid and lovely little baby. He is so much easier than Maia in terms of how I have taught him to go to sleep unassisted and by just being swaddled before bed time. He basically falls asleep within five minutes and only cries out if he has a bit of air. It is unfortunate that unbeknownst to us Kiran was lactose intolerant and we only figured this out three months after he was born on Easter weekend. I was having a terrible time. We all were as Kiran would feed and then just fill up with air and burp incessantly through the night requiring someone to pick him up and help him get the air out at regular intervals. He would not cry, sweet baby, but would just lay next to me and grunt, grunt, grunt as though he were trying to clear his throat. The paediatrician thought he had reflux. I didn't want to put him on medication as I was not sure it was that and then, David took Maia to his parent's home for Easter. I stayed home with Kiran to have some rest and quiet time as I was really sleep deprived and depressed from the sleepless nights. Betty called me on the Saturday and I just started to cry on the phone as Kiran woke up crying with air again. His nap was disturbed and so was the time I needed to regroup myself. She immediately came over and we spoke about possible causes for his upset. She mentioned that iron and fish oil can upset babies and so I decided to discontinue all my supplements. I did not eat much that day and instead just drank glasses of Whey Protein Powder. Well, that next morning around 4 am till 5:30 am, I just walked and walked Kiran as his back felt like a soda bottle had been shaken and he was full of air. BINGO! He was intolerant to the Whey Protein Powder and possibly to the dairy. I stopped eating dairy that week and within a day, I had a "normal" baby, who would just burp twice after a feed and then go back to sleep. Kiran has not had the easiest time burping and often at night he will get one burp up after a feed and then the second burp comes up an hour later, so we are still getting up multiple times in the night. I pray for the night when he will just sleep through the night. David is now having me sleep in the front room for the past two nights and comes to get me when Kiran needs to be fed which is usually around 10:30-11 pm and then sometime between 2-3 am. He is then up again around 6 am. I am already starting to feel better as I have been up and down emotionally with the lack of sleep. Sleep deprivation tends to make me feel depressed and so although most days are good, I tend to hit a low as my body becomes more and more tired after nights of disrupted sleep. Funny, I had the idea that if I taught my little guy to go to bed without using me as a crutch that he would sleep through the night at an earlier age, but in his case, he must still just need the milk at night. He sleeps beautifully during the day and is the most pleasant and laid back baby. We would often say as would people around us that you would never know that Kiran was in the room as a young infant and even now, he is so placid. Well, I need to run off and do some yoga. We just celebrated Maia's third birthday yesterday and so I want to write a peace on her and how it has been spending this year with her as she lead up the the big three. To be brief, Maia is a gorgeous, gorgeous little girl who is such a caring, sensitive, loving and compliant little person who is so curious, bright and eager to please. She is the best and we love her. David and I say that we are so very fortunate to have two of the nicest little people to raise. As I was writing about how I could heal the pain of having lost the joy of the first days of Kiran's life, it occurred to me that David and I could ask Carmen and Bill to take Maia out for the day so that David and I could spend time with Kiran and somehow try and recreate that moment and speak to him about how sorry we are that his first week was so ridden with people and visits that it took away from the time and attention that we would have like to have showered upon him. Anyway, I think that would be a good start. Maia and Kiran, we are blessed and we love you. Sometimes I have found the transition to mothering difficult as I find that it is easy for me to feel overwhelmed and lost in how to juggle all that is required of me in a day, but you are wonderful little people and we feel lucky to have you.