How can I turn into a butterfly?

Dear Kiran and Maia,

I have been absolutely terrible these past eight months documenting our time together. So I am going to give it my best effort on a weekly basis to jot down the cute things that you do and say as there have been so many beautiful moments in the past year that have gone by and disappeared as we moved forward in time. As you know, I love to write and maybe some day, I will be inspired to write a book of some sort. These past few weeks since my last post, I feel like life has turned a corner and I have found a new peace with life with two kids. Kiran, you have been the easiest, most pleasant baby imaginable and we are blessed by your life joining ours. The sleep deprivation got the best of me and my perspective became distorted as I had times when I longed for a less hurried existence where I was not in constant motion the whole day. Today, was the first day since having Kiran that I went out to lunch with a friend, Cass. I asked her how I could possibly be so overwhelmed by two small kids when Kiran is sleeping twice a day and Maia is such a pleasant, compliant and easy to please little girl going on fifty. She pointed out that with each child, you need to hold them in your consciousness 24 hours a day in some form or fashion. It is true and neither of my babies have been the kind to "sleep through the night." Your Dad and I are actually sleeping in the front of the house while Kiran sleeps in the back in our room where he was born as it feel right to have him there. If I sleep in the room, he smells me and wakes up often to snack. I need sleep, so I only go in when I hear him call for milk twice a night sometime between 10:30 and 12 and at 4 am. Then, he is up around 6 am for the day and I often drag him into bed with me for some more milk in the hope that he will fall asleep. I have been feeling emotionally better and especially since that realization that your Dad and I missed our "baby moon" with Kiran due to Nanna's illness and then the media and then having to deal with a little person who was up through the night for three months with lactose intolerance. It was tough and I was crashing and your Dad was just trying to look after me and keep the glue of the house together as we went up and down with my highs and lows from day to day as I struggled with so little sleep and looking after a toddler who wanted my attention. When Maia turned three, I actually had a moment when I felt a bit sad that I had missed so much of her second year and yet, she is not worse for it and we are closer than ever. She was and still is my little helper and Kiran has been a gift to her as she adores him. It is so sweet to see her genuinely give him a kiss and help me wrap him before sleep as she sings Twinkle Twinkle Little Star dancing on my bed and him watching on as I cradle him in my arms before laying him down to sleep. Then, we both pat him to the same rhythm as we sing "It's time for sleep...shhhh...shhhh....shhhhh....Mommy and Daddy love you....shhhh....shhhh....shhhh.....Nighty Night. " Then we say, "Good night Kiran" and leave the room and he goes to sleep most days without any fuss and if there is any, it is only a few moments as he falls off to sleep. I call it, "Wrap and Go," and he has been the easiest child to put to bed and he naps so well. Lovely little boy.

So anyway, after speaking to your Dad about that disconnect that happened in the beginning of our life together with Kiran, our gorgeous baby boy, we had a reconnect that happened within a few days of just verbalizing the loss of our "baby moon" and the sweet beginning, we would would have preferred to have with our new baby. It was as if we all felt it and our family became a whole little unit. And I somehow was able to accept that life is just busy and treasure my little people even more, as this time is truly precious, and time will pass quickly. One day, I will look back and wish that I could have my two little ones so small again that they could both fit in my lap for a snuggle.

Tonight, before going to sleep, Maia and I were reading, "The Very Hungry Catipillar" by Eric Carle and she said to me, "How Can I turn into a butterfly?" It is moments like that I treasure as they are so gorgeous and I wish I could stop time and hold them forever.