Kiran 9 months and Maia 3 years

At lot has been happening this month. Kiran took his first steps towards crawling on David's birthday, October 15 and today, showed us that he can get across a room if he as an object dangled in front of him and moved away at close proximity. He still preferred to scoot by pulling himself by his hands across our wooden floor, but is crawling to get to things at short distances. It is time for me to take some time with him and go with him to Montessori School and maybe swimming.

Maia will be starting school in a week's time on November 3 at the local Montessori school. She has turned a corner and is showing that it is time for her to have some bit of time with peers her age. I had doubted whether to send her until I saw the change after we came back from the U.S.A. this August. She is more comfortable socially and really enjoys other children her age. She is so darn bright and says the most beautiful things and is now asking questions. She is a very helpful and loving little girl, who is so good with her little brother, who she sweetly refers to as Bud Bud.

I have been a bit puzzled this year as to how to help Maia be more consistent in going to the toilet. There will be days that go by and we will not have an accident especially, when I made Tea Party a consequence and basically said that if she was dry, she could have a tea party. But that did not seem to be the best solution when there were days I could not reward her with a tea party if I was really busy. And so she reverted back to wetting herself and really wetting herself to the point that I lost my temper on a few occasions, which left both of us feeling really terrible. Today, was one of those days when I was breastfeeding Kiran and could see her starting to jiggle around like she had to use the toilet and I asked her gently to go to bathroom and she just continued to refuse until I became more insistent and lost my temper and shouted at her to go and use the potty. I certainly did not win the Mother of the Year award today. I need to find another way as I know I am hurting her and not teaching her healthy behavior when she one day is angry or upset about something. She will just yell at me or David. I think the hardest thing about being a parent is exorcising the demons of our parents and the negative behaviors that they passed on to us as I know I was treated with disrespect by my Dad and I feel I am doing the same, but what did my Mom do, I can't even remember how she treated me in those situations. I just wish my first response was like David's, which is more gentle and respectful. I am actually going to go and see a hypnotherapist to try and rewire my responses as I can't go on like this with my sweet little people. I would never want anyone to treat them the way I treat Maia on a few occasions now when I am stressed, she is non-compliant or I just am upset by her behavior, which really is only when she wets herself, at least at this stage. Whenever I loose the plot, which has not been that often, but I have always apologized to Maia and told her how my behavior was wrong. Tonight as I laid in bed with her and told her how much I loved her and how sorry I was for yelling today, she said that it made her feel scared and sad. I validated her feelings and told her that I would get some help. And you know what she said to me, Momma, just watch what you say... She is so wise and such a sensitive little soul. We are so blessed to have she and Kiran.

I have found mothering two children to be quite challenging and not because of the children, as I have the easiest children on the planet, but for the sheer workload and the loss of myself. I now see the value in a life as a couple without kids and say this merely to highlight for both Maia and Kiran that it is equally admirable to decide to life with yourself or with a partner and decide not to have children. You might read this and think, "What does Mom not want us?" I could not live my life without either of you and I love you so very much, but now I am a mother and I see what comes with mothering and knowing what my life was before children, I can see how interesting my life was as a partner to your dad, a yoga student, a writer and just a free spirited person, who now is basically a cook, a cleaner, and a laundry mat....laugh. Maybe I will find that bit of time for myself as you get older and I most likely will, but I just wish I had more time just to be with you instead of feeling split all the time between what I have to do and what needs to be done with feeding you well and looking after our home as well as just being a good Mum to you and spending time with you. If I was able to have some type of hired help to look after the mundane, then my life would feel more balanced in many ways. It sounds like I want to be the Queen of Sheba or something, but mothering in this day and age is crazy as women are isolated and alone. We have "Mother's Groups" to catch up with other women, but that is a fallback to what it used to be when we lived in community and shared the cooking, the cleaning, friendships and children had each other to pay with. Now I am sending Maia off to pre-school at age three, when she should be playing in our back yard with another child her age. It just seems so out of balance for all of us. So I have had my ups and downs with the transition from couple to child and from a single child to two in the last three years, but looking at the two of you, I think, there is no way I could have just had one child. Like I said to your Dad today, when we choose to have a child, we choose to parent two children as I would have never wanted a life with just one child as I can see how much the two of you enjoy each other and how much Maia enjoys having a brother. I just pray that I can become more centered so that you can look back and say that I was a mother who loved you unconditionally and was patient and kind under all sorts of circumstances as children have their ups and downs as well as behavioral issues that surface and I just want to be there for you with love not criticism or frustration and anger. Anyway, that is where I am today and know you are both love and wanted...it is just the work load I am trying to juggle and also find myself again in the mix of motherhood and all that goes with it.

We have had a really difficult week as David's position was removed from the company structure. He was given the choice of a payout or a five month project with a payout at the end of it. He is going for the payout and will look for work. We are o.k. with it and trusting in life's direction as we always end up on our feet.

So I need to get ready for bed as Kiran has been waking up twice a night. As of two nights ago, he started sleeping with Maia in her room as David and I can't keep sleeping apart or in the guest room so he can sleep along in ours. Anyway, hopefully one night he will just start sleeping through and surprise me.

Love to you both. Momma

Kiran 8 months

I just wanted to note a few milestones before they slip away and I can't remember what happened when. Just today, we noticed that one of Kiran's top front teeth has broken through the surface. Two days ago, he sat up from laying down and this has only happened once, but still remarkable. His signature move is to balance on his side while laying down and put one foot up in the air. It is like he is doing a Jane Fonda exercise class to work the inner thighs. Yesterday, he has started getting up on his knees and rocking back and forth. Crawling on all fours must be around the corner any week now. Currently, he very efficiently moves forward dragging himself across the floor by pulling himself forward with his arms, alternating sides as though he is rowing.

Kiran is into everything and moves from one thing to the next. His favourite object would have to be balloons as they hold his attention the longest of anything else in the house.

He is able to arch is back so well that he can reach many things much higher than ground level. His core strength is amazing and I can just see him getting more agile and stronger as each day passes.

He loves to eat and his favourite fruit combination is mango - banana.

When David arrived to the US at the end of July when Kiran was just 6 month old, he had just started moving in a circle quickly and moving back again. He could actually get around by doing this and rolling and this was his mode of locomotion until he started the drag in his seventh month. He broke is bottom two teeth by seven months, but I can't remember the exact timing of it.

Kiran is the BEST little baby to put to sleep. Since he was eight weeks, we trained him to be swaddled and put to sleep without too much fuss and he literally is swaddled at night and he falls asleep without so much a peep.

Maia is his best friend and he LOVES her. He laughs and his face lights up when he sees her as does her little face looking back at him. Maia loves to play with Kiran and is the best big sister. She is so helpful and so interested in him. This makes my life easier as I try to get things done around the house.

Maia and Kiran are such easy little kids and such nice little people. Wish sometimes I had more patience and focus to get done what I need to each day as I find myself frustrated by the constant motion of getting tasks done in the household while caring for my little ones. My best days are when the housework is done or there is a very minimal amount of cooking and laundry to do and I can just do something creative with Maia like painting. Today was not one of those days. There are many highs and lows in parenting and despite how much I love my two little kids, sometimes I just want a little bit of space for myself. I had to do yoga at 6 am this morning just to be sure that I was able to fit in my practice.

Maia: May 7, 2010

You know your child has an incredible imagination when....you find her unravelling the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and when you ask her what she is doing she proceeds to tell you that she is pretending her poo is a duck and she starts ripping off pieces to feed him. I laughed and laughed and laughed...what next?

May 7 at 8:18pm Friends Only · Comment · · View Feedback (4)Hide Feedback (4)

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Do Squirrels Swim?

Maia's question of the day, "Do squirrels swim?" David had to look it up and yes, they do, but not very well since they are tree dwellers...laugh. Great day with the kids. We did a personality test and it really helped me to see why I feel the way I do sometimes. Can't wait for Kiran and Maia to do theirs one day. Wanted to note that Kiran went from crawling to sitting up yesterday. He is so strong. Maia and I painted using golf balls. Talk about fun. You put them in paint and then move the box around with the different coloured balls. We had such a good time. Tomorrow, I hope to paint her nails and make something nice to eat like these raw cheeze sticks. I just realized what will make me happiest and that is having fun with the kids instead of always focusing on the "housework" and what needs to be done. Also, having some quiet time to myself. Off to watch a movie with David, Shriek III

How can I turn into a butterfly?

Dear Kiran and Maia,

I have been absolutely terrible these past eight months documenting our time together. So I am going to give it my best effort on a weekly basis to jot down the cute things that you do and say as there have been so many beautiful moments in the past year that have gone by and disappeared as we moved forward in time. As you know, I love to write and maybe some day, I will be inspired to write a book of some sort. These past few weeks since my last post, I feel like life has turned a corner and I have found a new peace with life with two kids. Kiran, you have been the easiest, most pleasant baby imaginable and we are blessed by your life joining ours. The sleep deprivation got the best of me and my perspective became distorted as I had times when I longed for a less hurried existence where I was not in constant motion the whole day. Today, was the first day since having Kiran that I went out to lunch with a friend, Cass. I asked her how I could possibly be so overwhelmed by two small kids when Kiran is sleeping twice a day and Maia is such a pleasant, compliant and easy to please little girl going on fifty. She pointed out that with each child, you need to hold them in your consciousness 24 hours a day in some form or fashion. It is true and neither of my babies have been the kind to "sleep through the night." Your Dad and I are actually sleeping in the front of the house while Kiran sleeps in the back in our room where he was born as it feel right to have him there. If I sleep in the room, he smells me and wakes up often to snack. I need sleep, so I only go in when I hear him call for milk twice a night sometime between 10:30 and 12 and at 4 am. Then, he is up around 6 am for the day and I often drag him into bed with me for some more milk in the hope that he will fall asleep. I have been feeling emotionally better and especially since that realization that your Dad and I missed our "baby moon" with Kiran due to Nanna's illness and then the media and then having to deal with a little person who was up through the night for three months with lactose intolerance. It was tough and I was crashing and your Dad was just trying to look after me and keep the glue of the house together as we went up and down with my highs and lows from day to day as I struggled with so little sleep and looking after a toddler who wanted my attention. When Maia turned three, I actually had a moment when I felt a bit sad that I had missed so much of her second year and yet, she is not worse for it and we are closer than ever. She was and still is my little helper and Kiran has been a gift to her as she adores him. It is so sweet to see her genuinely give him a kiss and help me wrap him before sleep as she sings Twinkle Twinkle Little Star dancing on my bed and him watching on as I cradle him in my arms before laying him down to sleep. Then, we both pat him to the same rhythm as we sing "It's time for sleep...shhhh...shhhh....shhhhh....Mommy and Daddy love you....shhhh....shhhh....shhhh.....Nighty Night. " Then we say, "Good night Kiran" and leave the room and he goes to sleep most days without any fuss and if there is any, it is only a few moments as he falls off to sleep. I call it, "Wrap and Go," and he has been the easiest child to put to bed and he naps so well. Lovely little boy.

So anyway, after speaking to your Dad about that disconnect that happened in the beginning of our life together with Kiran, our gorgeous baby boy, we had a reconnect that happened within a few days of just verbalizing the loss of our "baby moon" and the sweet beginning, we would would have preferred to have with our new baby. It was as if we all felt it and our family became a whole little unit. And I somehow was able to accept that life is just busy and treasure my little people even more, as this time is truly precious, and time will pass quickly. One day, I will look back and wish that I could have my two little ones so small again that they could both fit in my lap for a snuggle.

Tonight, before going to sleep, Maia and I were reading, "The Very Hungry Catipillar" by Eric Carle and she said to me, "How Can I turn into a butterfly?" It is moments like that I treasure as they are so gorgeous and I wish I could stop time and hold them forever.

Eight Months Later

It is hard to believe that eight months have passed since Kiran was born. I have promised myself to write in this blog more often to capture the highs and lows of parenting as I have been on a bit of a roller coaster since Kiran's birth. The same happened with Maia as I adjusted to going from being a couple to being a family and the challenges the accompany making that transition and figuring out how to be a parent. What brought me to write this evening was a feeling that I have still not let go since Kiran's birth and I wonder how to move past it, but as I read my issue of Birthings magazine, a publication where homebirth mothers speak of their incredible birth experiences, I had this feeling of regret when I realized how much I wished that I could go back in time and just savour the high of Kiran's birth and keep it private without the outside interference that I allowed with the visit from Carmen and Bill the day he was born as well as the media interviews. Actually, my biggest regret is not so much the media, but not giving ourselves just one day to celebrate and relish in the magic of just having given birth to our beautiful baby boy. I wish so much I would have wrapped myself in the peace and exhilaration of that moment and not worried about inviting my in-laws. I know I was worried that they would want to come around the dreaded "third" day when my hormones were low and I was not feeling well enough for company. So excited to share our bundle of love after being isolated from family and friends as we waited to see him, we asked them to come and as you have read and I only wish they would have used better judgement themselves then to travel to see us on such a special day. How can I move past that regret as his birth was so perfect and magic and then to be met by such a contrast by the presence of such a sick person in the house? Would it help for me to speak to them about it? I think I will talk to Betty and see what insight she may have in assisting me to move past it and focus on the amazing moments of that birth experience.

Kiran has been the most placid and lovely little baby. He is so much easier than Maia in terms of how I have taught him to go to sleep unassisted and by just being swaddled before bed time. He basically falls asleep within five minutes and only cries out if he has a bit of air. It is unfortunate that unbeknownst to us Kiran was lactose intolerant and we only figured this out three months after he was born on Easter weekend. I was having a terrible time. We all were as Kiran would feed and then just fill up with air and burp incessantly through the night requiring someone to pick him up and help him get the air out at regular intervals. He would not cry, sweet baby, but would just lay next to me and grunt, grunt, grunt as though he were trying to clear his throat. The paediatrician thought he had reflux. I didn't want to put him on medication as I was not sure it was that and then, David took Maia to his parent's home for Easter. I stayed home with Kiran to have some rest and quiet time as I was really sleep deprived and depressed from the sleepless nights. Betty called me on the Saturday and I just started to cry on the phone as Kiran woke up crying with air again. His nap was disturbed and so was the time I needed to regroup myself. She immediately came over and we spoke about possible causes for his upset. She mentioned that iron and fish oil can upset babies and so I decided to discontinue all my supplements. I did not eat much that day and instead just drank glasses of Whey Protein Powder. Well, that next morning around 4 am till 5:30 am, I just walked and walked Kiran as his back felt like a soda bottle had been shaken and he was full of air. BINGO! He was intolerant to the Whey Protein Powder and possibly to the dairy. I stopped eating dairy that week and within a day, I had a "normal" baby, who would just burp twice after a feed and then go back to sleep. Kiran has not had the easiest time burping and often at night he will get one burp up after a feed and then the second burp comes up an hour later, so we are still getting up multiple times in the night. I pray for the night when he will just sleep through the night. David is now having me sleep in the front room for the past two nights and comes to get me when Kiran needs to be fed which is usually around 10:30-11 pm and then sometime between 2-3 am. He is then up again around 6 am. I am already starting to feel better as I have been up and down emotionally with the lack of sleep. Sleep deprivation tends to make me feel depressed and so although most days are good, I tend to hit a low as my body becomes more and more tired after nights of disrupted sleep. Funny, I had the idea that if I taught my little guy to go to bed without using me as a crutch that he would sleep through the night at an earlier age, but in his case, he must still just need the milk at night. He sleeps beautifully during the day and is the most pleasant and laid back baby. We would often say as would people around us that you would never know that Kiran was in the room as a young infant and even now, he is so placid. Well, I need to run off and do some yoga. We just celebrated Maia's third birthday yesterday and so I want to write a peace on her and how it has been spending this year with her as she lead up the the big three. To be brief, Maia is a gorgeous, gorgeous little girl who is such a caring, sensitive, loving and compliant little person who is so curious, bright and eager to please. She is the best and we love her. David and I say that we are so very fortunate to have two of the nicest little people to raise. As I was writing about how I could heal the pain of having lost the joy of the first days of Kiran's life, it occurred to me that David and I could ask Carmen and Bill to take Maia out for the day so that David and I could spend time with Kiran and somehow try and recreate that moment and speak to him about how sorry we are that his first week was so ridden with people and visits that it took away from the time and attention that we would have like to have showered upon him. Anyway, I think that would be a good start. Maia and Kiran, we are blessed and we love you. Sometimes I have found the transition to mothering difficult as I find that it is easy for me to feel overwhelmed and lost in how to juggle all that is required of me in a day, but you are wonderful little people and we feel lucky to have you.

Kiran's Birth Story

When I received the last issue of Birthings and read the topic for this month, "Inductions," I thought to myself, "Why would home birth mothers consider inductions given we are out of the system and don't have the same pressures as other Mums who are pushed to abide by hospital regulations that state that 40 weeks plus 10 days is the magic number for every baby?" I figured if it was medically necessary, home birth Mums would obviously need to consider an induction, but why push a baby to come before he or she is ready as wouldn't it be best to give them the time to choose their birth date and wouldn't it be more interesting to find out which day they decided was their special moment to land in their parents arms? Those thoughts came a few days before we were due to have our baby on December 19, 2009 and my "wouldn’t it be more interesting to wait and see theory" nearly went out the window several times as I rode the roller coaster of "overdue" emotions up and down for exactly 19 days and weathered the emotional storm of being overdue during my 42 week 5 day pregnancy.

The irony of being so far overdue was that I always say in my prenatal classes that a normal gestation is between 37-42 weeks and that it is important to not tell yourself that you are going to have your baby early as most babies come after their due date. So what did I do? About midway through our pregnancy, I told our midwife, Betty Vella, that David and I both had a feeling separate to speaking to each other that our sweet little muffin was going to arrive around December 15. I was not only going to have our baby before his due date, but we had actually intuitively figured out the date of our baby's birth. Laugh. Now if that doesn't smell like a bit of trouble, then it is no wonder that I nearly lost the plot on several occasions.

December 15 came and went and I was frustrated as my theory flew out the window, where was our baby? Maybe he will be like our daughter and be born on his due date, but what was the likelihood of that happening? My main worry was that our baby would be born on Christmas and I really didn't want a baby born during the holidays. Little did I know that our baby heard me loud and clear and decided to be way on the other side of the holidays.

His due date, December 19, went by and I was o.k. I figured, wouldn't it be amazing to have a baby on the summer solstice? December 22 slipped past and we were headed for the holidays. I kept telling myself to let our baby decide when he wanted to come and be patient. Any day was fine with us, but Christmas. I didn't want to be controlling; I just kept picking the days of MY preference for birthdays. Laugh.

Then, my next hiccup was telling myself that most babies come within a week after their due date. That week came and went and so did my frustration as I started to also value moments together with my husband and our two year knowing that our lives were about to change dramatically. We still had no desire to induce our baby and wanted to give him the time he needed, but maybe a bit of sex would encourage him just before Christmas. Sex was nice actually, the orgasms were fabulous, I felt some more intensity in the braxton hicks waves through the day and then, NOTHING. "O.K.," I thought to myself, "No more trying. I was just going to let this baby decide on his day. He must have some unique date picked out. Oh, a blue moon on December 31 and a partial lunar eclipse. My baby is going to be born on December 31.” David suggested on that morning that maybe if I laid out in our back yard naked under the full moon that might trigger the labour. I laughed at the thought as that was the most creative induction method we had come up with yet, but decided to pass on the idea.

January 1 at 2 a.m. I woke up. David woke up. Both wide awake we decided to use our time on the couch pressing on some gentle acupressure points. Wouldn't 01/01/10 be such a cool birth date? At least the light touch massage was nice for both of us as I woke up pregnant as ever when the sun came up that morning. Mornings were the hardest part of the day. I knew that nothing had happened during the night and as the day wore on, I became hopeful each evening that my labour might start and we would be holding our baby in the morning.

Worry started to over take me. Our midwife had another mother who was due on January 5 and she went early with her first baby. What was the chance that our baby would come on the same day? Should I use those herbs that our friend Gin had made up for us? No, I didn't want to start our birth story; I wanted our baby to start the birth. Little did I know, I was birthing a lesson in patience and trust as I still had one more week.

Betty came on Sunday, January 3. I was 42 weeks plus one day and surprised to still be pregnant as Betty, David and I figured we would have our baby sometime during the week. We even booked the appointment in the morning thinking it would be a post-natal appointment. Betty was not phased and very confident and trusting of my body and our baby. David and I had said the week before that if we were still pregnant on Sunday, we would do the first ultrasound of our pregnancy on Monday. After listening to our baby's heartbeat, which was really loud, clear and strong, we not worried in the least, nor was Betty, so we decided to wait and see if we would have our baby in the coming week. Nonetheless, we figured that it wouldn't hurt to have Betty do some gentle reflexology. That day came and went and so did the night. Thankfully, the reflexology did nothing to encourage our baby to come as the next morning Betty's other client had her baby. I was so relieved and gone was the worry that we would miss out on having Betty at our birth.

Wednesday, January 5, I cried before I went to bed, each time I got up to use the toilet, and in the morning when the sun rose as there was no movement to indicate that the birth was going to start and I was so over being pregnant. I had lost the plot and hit a wall. I was not willing to do any other types of inductions like a sweep of my cervix, acupuncture, or herbs. I really wanted my baby to choose his day. The wait was the longest of my life. I called Betty and just started crying on the phone. We sat there and talked about any fears that I might have about the birth. My fear of the baby getting stuck came up again and I realized that it was my birth story coming up as my mother had been asleep during my birth and I was stuck in the birth passage without my mother able to push me and also being drugged not being able to use my own push to come out. But this birth would be different. I was going to be awake, moving around and assisting our baby. He would be aware and able to use his power to push his way through with my uterus working with us. Speaking to Betty, I had compared being pregnant to being on a train and only being able to get off when the baby decided on the stop. Betty told me that I needed to get back on the train and trust as we both knew I was trying to jump off before the final stop. I got back on my pregnancy journey. That evening, I started to feel some changes in my body indicating that we were approaching the final station if not that night; it wouldn't be too far away.

At 3:45 am. on January 7, I happily told my husband that I felt I was in pre-labour and we sent a text to Betty to let her know so she would not go to work that morning. I slept through the night until our toddler woke up at 6 a.m. Still in pre-labour, I wondered if it would all fizzle out with the sun and our toddler rising. Betty assured me I would continue to progress. I was so comforted by her reassurance.

At 7 a.m., the waves started to come every few minutes and at first I wondered if I was in established labour, but after about twenty minutes, we were calling our support people to come to the house. When Betty arrived at 7:40, I asked her to check how dilated I was and she asked if I really wanted to know? With all my practice in relaxation and meditation in preparation for the birth, I have such an easy time with the first stage of labour that it is hard for me or a midwife to tell where I might be as I look and sound so relaxed and with it. I went on to say to Betty that the control freak in me needed to know as I had been so out of control this whole pregnancy. She laughed and announced that I was already 8 cm. We had already had the pool filled and ready, so I gleefully jumped in.

After waiting so long to be in labour, I welcomed each wave and even had a smile on my face at times. I was only concerned that my support people would not arrive in time for the birth. I was so happy to hear our friend Tamara come into the house. Her role was to look after our two year, four month old daughter, Maia. My friend Cassandra came in shortly after with her healing spirit and energy ready to give me support and video the birth. But where was dear Kyle who had camped out around home over the holidays, only venturing short distances and always with her camera and technical equipment ready to photograph the birth? When David had called her earlier, she said something about taking a few hours to get a rental car and I was yelling to David, "Tell her to come now, the show is definitely on and I am in established labour!" Little did I know that her car had died and she had to walk to the car rental place with all her stuff and drive from the other side of the city which on a good day could take her about 40 minutes. I could feel myself waiting and when I heard her enter the house I said out loud, "Thank GOD Kyle is here!" and I felt myself let go and the labour progressed.

I look back at my birth experience and I see flashes of me on my hands and knees in the birth pool just surrendering to each wave. It was intense and I would meet it and go into it and relax with it, allowing it to work through me. Before I had been chatty in between the waves, but now I was just quiet in between. At one point, I remember one surge being very intense and uncomfortable, but I decided to play with it and use a little mantra that I had heard on Ian Gawler's relaxation c.d.s, "Softening, Loosening, Relaxing, Releasing, Simply Letting Go." And to my surprise, the discomfort diminished and was almost gone. I was playing with the discomfort and it was working...laugh. Other times, I just needed to accept the power of a surge and go with it. My back in this labour was far more uncomfortable and I must have been at transition when I had a thought surface that I just wanted it to stop. I quickly got back on track and went with it. I started to feel an urge to push and asked Betty if it was o.k. to push. She gently kept reminding me to just listen to what my body was telling me to do. I started pushing and soon I felt a pop as my waters broke. Then, my husband lovingly put his hands on my hips and we swayed together as I pushed our baby down with each subsequent wave.

The baby was coming on view, but I was afraid to push and that is when Betty did something magical. She put her forehead against mine and held my face with her hands. I felt my jaw relax, I felt my butt relax and my lower half just let go as she encouraged me to keep following my body and that it was o.k. to push. We kept working together in that way and then my baby's head came through my vagina! Hooray! I was almost there. The next contraction came and went and no baby. Another contraction and Betty told me that on the next contraction, she was just going to assist our baby's shoulders out. My fear surfaced and I started to worry about the baby getting stuck. So the next wave came up and she told me to PUSH and I let out an almighty "OM........" "OM........" and "OM......" at first she tried to assist the top shoulder and then the bottom and there our baby boy came through and out into his father's hands who then passed him underneath the water through my legs to me at precisely 9:30 a.m. after exactly two and a half hours of established labour. I saw him floating there before me as I reached down and gently pulled him up, careful not to pull him out of the water too fast and I brought him to me. By that time, our two year old had come into the room with Tamara and had seen her brother born. After a few minutes, we looked down to see that YES, my gut feeling through the pregnancy was confirmed, we had a lovely, little boy. Our son Kiran was finally with us.

This is the birth that made me feel whole. I don't know how to say it otherwise or put into words how pieces of myself seemed to finally come together as if to say, "YES, I am healed and I am whole." Gone was the trauma of my own birth and the feelings of inadequacy that came up in the second and third stages of my previous birth experience with our daughter where my perineum would not stretch and our daugther's heartbeat stayed at 80 beats per minute requiring me to have an episiotomy. This was the first our midwife had to perform in her ten years of home birth experience. The placenta that did a dirty dummy came out inverted and stayed half in and half out of my vagina for what seemed to be an eternity and within the week, a prolapsed uterus. All of that simply washed away as I held my son.

This birth was so different. Although, I have to say that my first birth experience was amazing and positive, the problems that surfaced during the second and third stages took away from the high that I came to feel after Kiran's birth. He just came out and I only had a small tear that didn't require a stitch thanks to all the perineal massage, the epinode and those calmbirth lessons and PSH sessions with the lovely Peter Jackson. My placenta just easily fell out and it was as large as a dinner plate and red and healthy. My uterus did prolapse slightly, but not as much as the first birth and I know that it will come back up as it did following my daughter's birth.

So after eating stale cake that had been baked nearly a week before and seeing our lovely friends and midwife off, we were so thankful for the beauty that Kiran’s birth brought to us. It is no wonder his name means, “Source of Light.” As his little light gave me a glimpse into the power I had within myself, the beauty of how Mother Nature moves through us and how incredibly designed women are to birth their babies if we just trust, let go and let the force move through us.

You finally arrived...

The day before you arrived I hit the lowest of all lows and cried before I went to bed and each time I got up in the night to use the toilet and then just sat on the couch and cried when the sun came up in the morning knowing I was still pregnant. I spoke to Betty and she encouraged me to get back on the train as I compared being pregnant to being on a train ride that you need to stay on until the baby decides it is time to stop. I wanted to jump off the train instead of just staying in my seat patiently waiting for Kiran to come to us. I decided not to use any means to induce our baby as I just wanted him to choose his special day. So I got back on the train and decided to change my perspective as I figured my grandmother and ancestors did not have "40 week" pregnancies and probably had babies between 42-42 weeks. That suddenly made me feel fine again and that next evening, I started to feel more changes that made me think, this baby is certain to come any day. Plus, I also thought, baby will be here within the week for sure as the longest a lady had gone over with Betty was 43 weeks and 6 days.

Well, after waiting 19 days past his due date and going through a 42 week 5 day pregnancy, our little boy, Kiran Studzinski Power arrived to us on January 7 at 9:30 in the morning after a 2.5 hour labour weighing in at 4 kilos and 57 cm in length. It was a beautiful birth which was captured with 1,500 photos and a video. Magic is the only way to describe it. It made me feel complete in so many ways. We were surrounded by a lovely group of women including, Tamara Da Silva who looked after Maia, Cass Hawkins, who took the video and gave me great energy, Kyle Powderly, who took the photos and Betty, our midwife. David was a dream and was there by my side the whole time. I am just about to write our birth story, but just wanted to write this note. It has been three weeks and little guy is starting to smile periodically. Maia has started asking questions about different animals and if they live in water like today she asked, "Mumma, do horses live in water." My Mom arrived from the USA this week on Wednesday. David went back to work on Thursday. Betty finished her visits with us on Wednesday. I ended up getting sick with Mastitis on Friday and was just very, very tired with flu like symptoms from exhaustion as Kiran is having a bit of trouble after feeds and may have a mild case of reflux as he just sounds like he is clearing his throat in discomfort after we lay him down at night like something is coming back up and so we get up with him and hold him and try to burp him and sometimes that can go on for an hour after a feed. So I now go to bed between 6-7 pm and have a nap during the day.

The first week of your life was far too busy and the biggest mistake we made was to have too many people over. I think because we waited so long for our little man that we were anxious to see people. We hadn't had a Christmas with family and had been alone really since David had been off from work on December 21. So a month in isolation made us open our doors far too soon whereas with Maia was kept our little baby moon very private and to ourselves, which I would HIGHLY recommend for any other parents. So Carmen and Bill came the day of the birth in the afternoon. Carmen had been seriously ill following surgery with her gall bladder and basically was still so unwell that Bill should have taken her to an emergency room of a hospital and not convinced her to come to our home. I had never seen anyone so sick in my life apart from when my Mom was in hospital with pneumonia. Carmen basically was weak, had a severe headache, could not eat, could not sleep and was running to the toilet on a regular basis to throw up. She had to go and lay down quiet often and could only hold the baby for very short periods. She had trouble breathing deeply and had pain in her side. It was terrible to watch her and so our baby moon high was overtaken by the illness of his mother. We were still excited to have our baby and I felt on the highest of highs full of energy, but that was contrasted with the lowest of lows seeing David's Mum so sick and David had never seen his Mum so ill in his life, so you can imagine. It was not the best of timing for a visit and I wish Bill would have respected Carmen when she initially said that she was not well enough to come as we did not push her, but just said that they were welcome to come if she felt up to it, not knowing how sick she was, so Carmen and Bill arrived late on Thursday afternoon and stayed until Saturday morning. I was exhausted by the time they left and had a good rest. We then had media come to the house to interview us about home birth as there is a lot of media about the changes in home birth legislation in Australia and so Channel 9 and 10 came to see us as well as an interview with The Australian, which did not do home birth a bit of justice. And then we helped fly David's brother to see us from the following Thursday till Saturday, once again, we were tired and worn down and wish we had just had a quieter first week. It was just that desire to share our new baby with family after not seeing anyone for a month. Since then we have kept it slow and steady. It is lovely to have Mum here. She is a blessing and I don't know what I would do without her. I know she does not speak her mind and so I have to encourage her to tell me when she is tired of playing with Maia as she just keeps going and then she will think to herself, Gee Jenny is leaving it all up to me. When I am happy for her to look after Maia so I have a moments to myself to rest or just look after Kiran, but would be happy to step in and give her a break. So that is just what I am trying to figure out at the moment in regards to having my Mom here and how to keep things balanced as I have not really felt that full of energy to do much besides look after Kiran, but I know that better days will come and I will have my energy back. Like I said to myself last night as I was rocking the little man in the middle of the night, one day, when he is a teenager and I wonder what he is up to, I will wish for the nights back when I was just holding him in my lap and rocking him to sleep or settling him. Time to go. Baby is crying and David needs my help. Birth story is next.

Maia says the funniest things

We were at the dining room table having dinner and discussing the fact that Maia would have a bath and go to bed soon and she said the following to me:

"Can you tell me a duck story. You will have to get one on-line Mumma."

Had a good cry this morning...

Well, I am now 16 days past your due date and just needed to cry this morning. Mornings are the hardest part of the day as I wake up with the knowing that I did not go into labour and then by the afternoon I am hopeful we will meet in the evening. You are such a wise soul for the following reasons:

If I look back, several things have held you back and you are so sweet to follow your Mumma: Nanna Carmen has been very sick following gallbladder surgery the first week of December and now is just on the mend, I didn't want a holiday baby, I was worried about missing out on having Betty as our midwife if the other lady went into labour at the same time as she was two weeks early with her first, and after tuning into you yesterday with a friend of mine who is a healer, Cass, you were afraid of hurting me during the delivery as you picked up on my daily practice of stretching my perineum due to the trauma of having to be cut at Maia's birth when she became distressed and we had to get her out quickly, so after a chat yesterday with you and all those other things now being resolved, there is a very good chance we will meet our you very soon. I trust my body and I trust you. I can't wait to meet you my sweet little one and I am so glad that you decided to wait as now everything feels right and clear for your entrance. So many people are waiting in anticipation of your birth. You are coming into a loving family and community and we are blessed that you have chosen us.

Engery Shift

Well, I have shifted from desperation and begging you to come out to just accepting your timing and pace as I know you are safe and well in my belly. I feel very calm and centred now which is the way I would prefer to start our journey together instead of trying to get you out by force. You are a wise and dear little soul and I need to respect that you have the perfect plan in mind for the perfect birth. I may have Betty do some light reflexology to assist the process if I am still pregnant tomorrow, but I am going to wait to do other things like acupuncture until mid-week when we have had time to see if you will have decided to come to us by then.

Your Dad has taken Maia to the library out to our local swimming pool while I bake you a lemon birthday cake. I figure if you have any of the Studzinski genes, the smell in itself will inspire you to come out...laugh.

The nice thing about your timing is that it has given us some lovely family time together and I had the chance to read a book called, Ten Moons yesterday which talked about how to better connect with you and how seeing that you and I are sharing the same physical space that we are very connected, which I knew, but it somehow went a bit deeper after ready about it. So thank you for being patient with me as well as I have had my ups and downs these last weeks waiting for you to come and to think that I thought you would be born either on December 8 or December 15. January actually feels much better and I am so happy that you have hung out for your perfect moment and stuck to your own plan. It shows you have a very independent and assertive character, like your Momma...laugh, and that is a good thing...my little Capricorn Ox.

Momma loves you and looks forward to setting eyes on you for the first time. Now off to make that cake while I have a quiet moment to myself here.

Lots of love to you my baby....Mumma