A - Gooo

I need to leave this blog open just to make sure I quickly jot down how Maia is changing as each day is something new and lovely. This week she has started trying to vocalize by saying "A-Goo" and on Monday she was looking at me and trying to copy me when I was saying "A- Goo." She actually repeated it back to me once...and my heart melted...by I really went to mush today, Friday, when she was breastfeeding and for the first time, she pulled off and was looking up at me whist feeding as if for the first time she realized that I was there. Then, Maia started talking her little "A-Gooo." I am in love...she is so darn sweet. David went to a work even tonight so I have had her the entire day and she has been an absolute angel. This child is heaven sent and I mean heaven sent...she is such a good baby. She slept, ate, interacted a bit and then went back to sleep. It was the easiest day since she was born and the early days were easy. I will sit down and recap the first six weeks as they flew by as well as write our birth story. But Maia is a blessing and we love her very, very much..

Week 7

Well, this has been my first week alone at home with the little one. Monday morning David left the house. I was confident having had such wonderful support the past SEVEN weeks....what a lucky lady...that I was now prepared to face motherhood alone. Then, dun dun dun...I ate a grapefruit. Just hated the thought of those beautiful pink grapefruits that I bought for Mum going to waste...they looked seemingly harmless...and well...they are not harmless for little seven week old girls named Maia. Boy did I pay for that one and so I can confirm with certainty that there is a reason citrus fruits are on the no nos list for breastfed newborns. I walked her, bathed her, changed her (at least 8 times...and the nappies were wet or soiled), rocked, breastfed, pat, went outside, tried the sling, sang, danced and then after two and a half hours, I cried and so did she...laugh. So David left work at 4:30 that day and Maia feel asleep...exhausted for a half an hour until Daddy came in the door. (Can't blame the babe, she misses him) and well, we ran through the same routine with her, this time together until 9 pm that night when she FINALLY fell asleep.

Honestly, no food group is worth that drama...laugh..not even chocolate...and that says a lot coming from me. So whoever is pregnant out there, mind those lists of foods to avoid as they will change the personality of your sweet cherub within hours. She has been an angel ever since.

Now on to my first maiden voyage in the car today. Well, there was a homebirth picnic in the park in the center of Sydney...Centennial Park...and so Maia and I dropped David off at work and we drove to the park for our first public outing by ourselves. Made me appreciate David all the more as it is tough to manage bags and baby, but we did it and then drove the 40 minutes back home. I realized this week that when you have a baby everything in your life is new again in that you have to re-learn how to do EVERYTHING with a baby and then that baby changes as it grows, so life is fresh every day..laugh..not that it isn't normally, but you know...we all become accustomed to our routine...well, not any more..laugh. We had a great time...Maia slept the whole way there and back..the wonder of having a seven week old...I am afraid, I have been told this will change shortly...hence the reason I decided to swallow my anxiety about driving with our child and just take the plunge. I feel like a new woman...laugh. I can have a life outside of the house. And thanks to my new sling (thanks Mum and Dad Stud) and the insert (thanks Tamara), I am using my baby hawk sling to cart her around and it is sooo comfortable and she LOVES it. I have her sleeping in it right now as I type this. If you want to know what a baby hawk sling looks like, just go to www.babyhawk.com I HIGHLY recommend this sling...very, very comfortable and supportive and kind on the back.

So this weekend is our next adventure as Maia and I are going to attend the annual homebirth conference. This year it is in Syndey, so off we go again on Saturday and if the little muffin copes with Saturday, we will also go on Sunday. Can't wait.

T.V.

In my life, I have always found that things land in your lap for a reason and for some reason, I keep getting approached by various television program producers to document in some way our homebirth experience. Last Friday, I opened an email from Julie Clarke, an educator whose course we took to prepare us for birth and parenting, and she put me on to a producer who was doing a TV documentary about different kinds of births. I rang her up to say that I would be happy to interview and offer any pictures that Neil took during our birth experience so that women could get a glimpse of birth as a natural biological event instead of a T.V. drama, but they actually wanted to come with a camera crew of two and film various points of the pre-labor and then film the "pushing phase" of the birth. I was initially torn as I really want women to know birth as something that can be empowering and inspiring, but then I realized deep down in my gut that there was no way that I was comfortable with the idea of having people come into our space during such a special moment and also, women are like cats when we birth, any disruption, added observers or a lack of privacy, can interfere with the birth process and so, I and your Dad decided against the idea. I don't need to put us in the limelight in that way. Someone else can give women that glimpse into birth.

Then, this morning, I got a call from a woman who works for National Geographic and they are interested in interviewing a couple who is having a homebirth. Basically, it is for a filler documentary, a 3 minute piece that would be featured at a break in the main segment. It seems that they would like a video clip of the birth and so she asked me if we were going to video. I said that our friend Neil was going to photograph and that I did have a video that we hoped to use to capture the birth, but I was not fixed on the video as necessary, but rather as something that I wanted to use if at all possible to view my experience afterwards and to show you when you get older. For some reason, the thought of this segment does not bother me as it would not disturb our birth process and really at the end of the day, I could refuse to share the video with them and change my mind. It does not seem to be as high profile or put any pressure on us as having a film crew in the room where we are birthing...laugh. Can you image? And can you image that I was actually considering the idea...just based on my passion of wanting women to see the beauty birth can have for a family as a natural life event and not a medical emergency.

I will talk to you Dad and Betty about the idea tonight. I also need to chat with Kate, the lady who got in touch with me, and just make sure that in addition to my interview that they were planning on interviewing a doctor that considers homebirth a safe and real possibility for women who are healthy. Otherwise, what is the point of me sharing our story if they are just going to contradict the beauty of birth with a doctor who sees homebirth as "dangerous." So I am willing to see how this plays out. I find it strange that in a two week period two separate T.V. programs have gotten in touch with me from two separate sources to inquire about my interest in sharing our birth story. Is this an accident? I never believe in accidents, but I find it really curious that this has come our way twice in the same week.

Update: Kate, the lady with National Geographic, called back to say that they decided to go with a lady who gave birth to twins at home. I immediately knew that it must be Justine, a women who our midwife supported in the birth of her twins. I asked and indeed it was and I am so pleased as she has had all six of her children at home, is organizing the homebirth conference in Sydney and has headed up the political party, "What Women Want." It is great exposure for her. When I did mention to David that we nearly had an offer from National Geographic and told him the story, he surprised me by such a positive response. He definitely would have wanted to participate in the project. I think the fact that it was National Geographic really WOWED him a bit...smile. Anyway, little sprout, you were almost a T.V. star at birth...laugh. Nice story to tell anyway.

Waiting for you

Well, Little One. We had our appointment with our lovely midwife Betty last night. Believe it or not, your little head...well, I guess you know...is further down in my pelvis. When I asked her the last time if it could go any further down...she had said..yeah, when the baby comes out! Well, you are further down and all she can feel now is the back of your neck. I am so pleased as you are in a wonderful position for birth. Your little head is tucked against your chest and your back is on the left nearly in the center. All that is left is for you to be born.

I wonder what day you will chose to come and meet us? I have a feeling that it will be sometime early next week. I have these little chats with you telling you that we are now ready and you are welcome at any time. I also explain to you how much we would like you to come around your due date so that the three of us: Daddy, you and me can have time together as a little family unit before Grammy Jean arrives on September 28. Your Daddy is going to take a month off from work and I would really like three weeks just with your Dad and you if at all possible, but saying that, I always tell you that if you have another date in mind that is later, then we respect that as birthdays are special days and you need to decide when it is best for you to come.

I wonder what time the birthing will start...how it will start...when will the water's break...how long will the birth be...will you be born in water...on land...in our bedroom? What time will you be born...what will you look like...will you have dark hair like your Dad or fair hair like me? Are you a boy or a girl?

I was getting hung up on the idea that you were a girl. I think the Chinese doctor made me think that you were a girl as each time I went I kept hearing...it is a girl pulse. Then, I was speaking to a couple who was also told by a Chinese doctor that they were having a "boy" and guess what?!, they had a girl...so I realized in that moment...I did not know...and then I realized that it did not matter to me that I would be so surprised and happy with either a son or a daughter. So we have two sets of clothes laid out on the table. One for a boy and one for a girl. And now after wondering through all the pregnancy if you are boy or a girl, I think that it is really fun not to know for sure. If I had to guess based on my gut instinct, I would guess you are a girl, but like I said, I am not fixated on the idea. Your Pop Pop Stud has not doubt in his mind that you are a girl whereas your Uncle Mike is convinced that you are a boy...no doubt in his mind. I would have so much fun calling up your Uncle Mike and telling him that he had a niece as he is almost a bit over confident in his assumption and refuses to think otherwise...laugh.

So how am I passing my days. Well, I finally finished my doula course yesterday. Thank goodness. And I basically take about two naps a day as I am really tired and I don't sleep soundly at night due to runs to the toilet and achy hips that require me to roll over at least once an hour. I really don't care...it is part of being pregnant. I have been really, really fortunate and only had discomfort when I was 36 weeks 6 days pregnant and ended up with a five day flu that made me tired, achy and feverish. I was miserable and at the same time my sacrum went out of alignment causing pain to radiate up the right side of my back...after three chiropractic treatments, I feel good as new. I learned a lot that week. I learned that I need to ask for help, that I can't do what I used to do, and that I needed to surrender to the "I don't know..." as life is not certain.

So your Nanna Carmen and Poppy Bill came down from the Central Coast to help us out one weekend and your dad and grandparents did EVERYTHING on a two page typed list. They were amazing and because of the three of them, the house is ready.

Your Dad is a star. You are going to love him with all your heart. He is the most patient person on the planet. He looks after us so well and when I don't feel 100% or I am low on energy, your dad kicks into gear and gets things done. He can't wait to meet you and is really looking forward to your birth.

Here we are in this little bubble of ours and all around the world there are friends and family waiting for your arrival. It is amazing as people are all thinking of us and can't wait to receive news that you are here with us out of Momma's tummy and in our arms.

I have said before that one of my weaknesses is that I don't like change and so you can image that at times I have not wanted to change from being a pregnant mother to being a mother with you in my arms...as for me that is an unknown, but last week, I made an internal leap from holding on to the certainty of pregnancy to wanting to hold you and have our little family unit together with your Dad here at home with us. I really want you with me here on the outside. I want to hold you...to look at you...to help you learn how to adjust to life on this earth...to love you and nurture you...I want to feel that overwhelming love that a mother feels for her child...and I know we will be together soon...as you can't stay in there forever...smile.

When I was laying in bed yesterday talking to you about your birth-day. I explained to you that your dad and I have done everything possible to ensure that you have a beautiful and peaceful transition into life outside of the womb. It is a big change and not many children have parents that are aware of how to help a child feel secure in those first moments with a familiar environment like home, a quiet, dark room with candles burning and the chance to be born in water or on land. We have given you this opportunity to choose to come in this peaceful way and I do feel that you want that and you chose us because we are aware in that way and that is our first gift to you...the love we have for you is so great that we made sure we were healthy when we conceived you and I ate well and nourished you while you have been inside me. We have loved you and spoken to you throughout the pregnancy and played a special piece of music each time we go to sleep at night. And now our first gift to you as you enter this world is the gift of a peaceful birth and we hope that you feel worthy of that and decide to choose to come in that peaceful way as your Dad and I did not have that chance and each generation needs to make things better for the next.

We love you our little special one. You are precious to us. You are a gift that we will always treasure and we will do our very best to guide you in this life and grow with you as the three of us start this journey together.

Kuroko in Kabuki

Here I am 39 weeks 4 days pregnant reading through the last module of my on-line doula course. I seem to always live in the 11th hour...smile, but really it is a good time to read through this material as it is reminding me of what I know and how to can be a better partner, mother, friend, birth supporter, teacher...There was this lovely section describing how midwives, doulas and really essentially any teacher, parent, partner or support person can help a person grow by taking a step back and trusting that we are like the shadows on the stage of the theater of life and, in my case, at this very moment...this baby...this little being inside me is the main focus...the main actor in this next phase of our life...the upcoming birth...and I need to trust this little one's wisdom to be born as I am the stage from which it will come...which will support its arrival, but can not take over the role this little one needs to perform in order to be born....I can only be a gentle and loving guide to assist the process, but not control it or take over it....it is not me...it is not mine...it bigger than both of us and it is not my birth....it is yours my sweet child and I am here to fly with you on your journey into this world.

History of our table

I had asked the previous owner (Sarah Lazarus) of our table about the history of the table and she called to tell me that her husband and she bought the table from a furniture store in Crows Nest about 15 years ago. The brass plate that says, "Laurence Lee" is the name of the man who made the table, which was made in Taree. The scratches to the left hand side of the brass plate were made by Sarah's son (the previous owner) when he was two years old when he carved into it with a sea shell. She also made me aware of a lovely little detail, which is a carving on the leg to the left hand side of the brass plate, which is just lovely. That was one of her favorite parts of the table and she is not sure where it came from. It was not clear to me if the table was previously owned by someone else before Sarah bought it, but she said that they had many happy family times around it and she was sorry to have to sell it, but they wanted to make room for a bigger table and she was happy to hear that it has gone to a good home.

32 weeks and 5 days

The time is flying by and the big birthday bash is approaching as we are 4 to 8 weeks away from meeting you little one. This part of the pregnancy has been such a joy as I can now touch you and feel you in my tummy since you are running out of space. I have so much fun stroking your little legs and feet and rubbing your back. You are such a smart baby and are head down at this stage.

Your Dad and I celebrated our third year wedding anniversary yesterday and your dad surprised me with the most lovely card. I couldn't help by cry as I sat at the computer and watched the images and music that he had put together for me. He is such a lovely, lovely man and he will be a great dad to you. The other surprise of the day was when I went to get up and make breakfast and your dad announced that he had taken the morning off and we were going to have breakfast at a cafe looking over the ocean at Cronulla. We had such a nice morning and then in the evening we went to our prenatal class and began to practice different positions for birthing which was very helpful. We are really enjoying the class and we look forward to going every Tuesday night. Dad and I feel like we have a lot of knowledge from all of our study and reading, but it is great to pick up some new ideas and just get to hang out with other couples who are also pregnant for the first time.

I went to see a lovely lady who gave me a massage and energy balance on Saturday. She had so many lovely things to say about you. Who knows if they will match what you will become in your future, but just for the fun of it, I thought that I would write them down here and one day you can read them and find if indeed they are true to the path you have walked in your lifetime. She said that you would be very "left brain" creative and have a high level of interest in music. It almost sounded as if you would make a career in music and she mentioned the piano as being a possibility. She also said that you would be very clear as to your purpose in this life and that you would tell your dad and I what you needed starting as early as the age of two! She also said that you are coming in as a very advanced soul and this may be your last incarnation. She said that you are looking forward to being born and she does not see any problems whatsoever with your birth or my ability to birth you. When you are born, she images you coming through with a golden light and that yellow is going to be a very important color for you. All of these suggestions made me think that maybe you are going to decide to come and meet us sooner rather than later and that maybe you will decide to come in under the sign of a Leo. I used to think that I could not handle a Leo child as I made an association with my Dad, but to tell you the truth, I don't have that association any more or fear because your life path is different and you are unique. Leo is a strong sign and if you are going to be such a forward thinking person, it probably would really suit you, so I accept you as you are and will help you to the best of my ability to grow into the person that you need to become in this lifetime. She definitely says you are a girl, so it will be fun to find out on the day you are born if we are right about your gender. I will welcome you as a boy or a girl, but I have thought for a few months now that I am carrying a little girl and so there are a lot of pink clothes here waiting as well as blue...smile, just in case.

The other lovely thing that happened this week was that Dad and I purchased a dining table that we can't wait to share with our family when they come to visit in a week's time. I have never bought any nice furniture before and I had been waiting for years to buy a dining table and then finally we decided to buy a table. I found one that both your dad and I really liked and we could see us using in our little family. It is so rustic and a table that we can all sit around and play around without worrying about it being damaged as it is so distressed already and has a character of its own. So it was delivered on Monday, the day before our third wedding anniversary along with a beautiful tallboy. I had so much fun when you dad came home as I had him close his eyes when he walked into the candlelit room with music playing in the background. Our little house here was somehow transformed into a home. It really feels so special and cozy now with our new pieces of furniture.

During the last three weeks, you and I attended the birth of Allegra, the daughter of good friend's of ours, Ricardo and Kate Riskalla. It was a long birth support and I was not surprised as I had a feeling that Kate would take a while to let go and let her body birth her daughter. Nevertheless, Allegra was born in the morning of July 5. She came in with a bit of drama and needed some oxygen and suction, but there was never any fear on our side that she was in any danger. It just seemed to take her a bit of time to decide to come into her body and now she is here. On Saturday, we are going to go to her naming ceremony in the park at Cronulla. I would also like to have a naming ceremony for you after you are born, so it will be nice to see how they are conducted. It has been nice for you to be with me as we have attended two births during the course of your time in my tummy and you have felt on an energetic level the energy of being born.

It is still hard at times for me to believe that you are there, riding around inside me and that in a month to two months time, you will be here in my arms. I remember watching a video with your Dad where a women said that it really was an incredible moment when she felt her baby crowning and realized that a baby was coming out of her. I can image that to be the case as it is still hard to believe that I am carrying a baby and you are such a good size at this point.

I don't feel very big or cumbersome, but when I look in the mirror, I am surprised at the big moon in front of me and you are only going to get bigger in the coming weeks. Keep growing my little one so that you can be strong and healthy when you are born.

Next week is a special week as on Wednesday through Friday, we are going to go to a workshop for pregnant mothers where we are going to do some chanting and ceremony around motherhood. I have been wanting to do a workshop like this during our pregnancy, so it is going to be a very special time.

Your Uncle Mike arrives on Thursday night to visit with us and your Nanna and Poppy Power are coming for the day on Saturday and then we will go and have dinner together.

I decided to have a "Mother - Baby Blessing" for us on August 12. I had wanted some type of party to mark my passage into motherhood and your entry into the world. So I am going to write up an invite tonight for friends and family. And to treat myself, I have found a friend of a friend who is a chef and who will be making up some food for us for the party. Each person coming to the party as well as people overseas are going to send and bring a bead and two blessings, one for you and one for me and we will read them out at the party. I would also like to make a belly cast and have the people present put their blessings on the belly and have that piece of art with me in the birthing room to remind me of all the love and blessings that people have given to us for our special meeting with you. I can't wait to decorate the room where you will be born and make it a very special event. Your Dad and I are planning to have a quiet first week together with you and so we are not going to have friends and family come to see us during that time as it will be just too much. I am also planning to keep your placenta attached to you until you are ready to let go of the cord. This is called a Lotus Birth and a friend of mine, Sielke, is going to make us a Lotus Bag where we can store your placenta.

I am curious about this event called, "Birth" as I teach women about it and I have studied birth for the past year and a half, but I have not yet experienced birth myself. I definitely do not have the level of anxiety and fear that I had about birth before all of my experiences, but I did notice last night at the pre-natal class that I do wonder about the feeling that women experience as "the pain of labor" and I wish there was a way that I could associate that with something different than the physical pain of injury that "pain" is often associated with as I really don't believe that it is the same. I would like to see it as an intensity as I birth you, but not conceptualize it as "pain" per say as the uterus is a muscle that is designed to birth and it is a natural function...not an abnormal function, so it is not there to "hurt" me, but as a function of bringing you earth side into this life into this world where you have come to be our teacher and we yours.

So these are my thoughts at the moment. There are a few busy weeks ahead as we prepare to meet you. Time for me to go and figure out what we will eat for dinner as dad is at a special event tonight.

I love you little one. Momma with birth you with joy, ease of mind and spirit and great love.

29 Weeks 5 days

Gosh, it is hard to believe that over a month has gone by since my last post. I am feeling well, but things are definitely changing with my body expanding and baby growing. I feel great outside of a few niggily aches and pains in my hips at night and mid back when I sit a certain way. I am really enjoying this part of the pregnancy as I can feel the baby moving more often and I can tell when I touch my belly if I am hitting a hand, a leg or a solid part of little one's trunk. It is so much fun to feel the little one and at times I jump with surprise when I can feel a limb going across my stomach. The first five months of pregnancy are so quiet that it is almost hard to believe that there is a baby in there and then all of a sudden, the belly is out like a little moon and the baby is kicking around like she is learning how to dance salsa. I look at myself when I go to take a shower and I can't believe the changes that have occurred in the last month.

On Friday, we did our "Happy Birthday" song to the little one for the 29 week milestone and David gave the baby twenty-nine kisses. It is so sweet to see him talk to the little one and tell the baby about his day or what we are doing. One day he said, "I wish I could take the baby out and give him or her a million kisses and then put her back." He is so excited about being a dad. We both can't wait to meet this little one, but we keep reminding the baby that she needs to stay in there for at least nine more weeks in order to come without any difficulties. I look at pictures of my nephew, who was born at around 28 weeks, and it is hard to believe just how well developed and big this baby is inside of me.

In the last month, we went to a classical music concert at Angel Place in the center of Sydney. It was a concert called, "The Best of Mozart," and it was fun to feel the little one moving around while we sat there and listened to the different pieces. This Friday, there is another classical music concert that we are going to go and listen to as we figure it is good for us and good for the baby.

Mike has booked his flight to come and visit the baby in the belly at the end of July. I have not seen him since Christmas when we told him about our pregnancy. He is very excited as are we to see him.

On that note, my Mom has also booked a flight at the end of September and will be staying with us for three weeks, four weekends. I am so very happy that she is coming and we will get to spend some time together on our very own. I have never had three weeks just with my mom. It will be a special time to spend with her and the baby. I am hoping that the little one arrives close to her due date as I would like some time with David before Mom comes for her visit. David is planning on taking about a month off from work and it would be great if we could have most of that time together with our baby without too many visitors.

I am really getting excited about the upcoming birth. I just feel really confident and trust my body's ability to birth. I am looking forward to the experience with a great deal of curiosity and anticipation. I hope I have the presence of mind to catch our baby myself, but I know most women are so consumed by the overwhelming sensation of pushing their babies out that they do not have the awareness to reach down and catch their own baby.....I am going to ask Betty, our midwife, to help me catch the baby if I am in the right position. If I can't, David has been considering trying to catch the little one, which would be equally as special.

Tomorrow night, we are going to go to a parenting talk about how to help babies to sleep as well as listen to a speaker on attachment parenting. Thursday, Betty comes for her monthly visit, Friday, we are off to listen to some music and on Saturday, we are going to a Lebanese restaurant in the city for a friend's birthday party. It should be great fun as there is belly dancing and the menu look delicious! We normally are not that busy, but everything seems to be falling on the same week.

I am waiting for a call from our friends Kate and Ricardo as they are due to have their baby any time now. They are very excited about meeting their little one and I will be their support person, so this will be the last birth I support before we give birth to our little sprout.

Being pregnant is like having a bit of magic inside you and you don't know what to expect until the special day arrives and meeting this little life will be such a wonderful surprise.

24 weeks 5 days

Today your Dad is flying to Perth and then on to Thailand for a work conference and I am sitting her listening to a beautiful CD that your Uncle Pablo made for us. It is magic and as I listen to it, I can feel you moving inside me. I am just so overcome with such a beautiful gift as it is filled with so much love and emotion, I find myself crying with many of the songs. They are so touching and knowing that my dear friend Pablo choose them for us and that these are some of his favorite songs...I can not think of a better gift to give a child and a mother as you can share this gift of sound before you are born. It will help you to feel the beauty, power and emotion of the world that you are going to enter in such a short time and introduces you to my special people. I am so blessed to have such dear friends who are like an extended family network around the world...like a magical net that I have cast throughout my lifetime and one that will catch me if I ever need love and support. Good friends are essential to a rich life as it is so nice to share the riches of your life with the people who you love and who you know will be there for you to love you if ever you need a hand or a hug. Listening to these songs has really made me miss these dear people who you will meet one day when we travel to the U.S.A.

I feel very fortunate that I have arrived to a place in my life where I feel I know where I stand in what I believe in for myself and yet, I still try to be open to new ideas, but some things I learned as a child, I have come to realize are not true for me anymore. And you will do the same as you grow up and find the way that you wish to walk through this world...you will find what fits in with the way you want to live your life and you will discard what you do not need...As it happened last weekend, I had to make it clear to your Nana Power that I do not have the same belief system as she does and that your dad and I do not plan on baptizing you into a religion. I don't believe that we are born with original sin as the God that exists in my heart does not judge us, but gives us freedom to love and to learn and to make mistakes...this special force can not be contained by a religion or defined by man....it is beyond our understanding and yet, as human beings, who want to be comforted by the "known" and something "tangible and concrete," we try to define it with words, ceremonies, religions that fall so very short and distort the beauty and magic of that unifying force within each and every one of us and in everything...so no, I don't think that your Nanna Power and I will ever see eye to eye, but that is her journey and the way that she has found is best for her to live her life. Your Dad was so lovely in the way he helped me to understand that I just need to remember to say, "Shield's UP!" when I come across someone else's opinion as this is the first of many times that someone is going to have an opinion of how we should raise you. And I just need to learn that they are entitled to their opinion as much as I am entitled to mine, but I in no way need to feel pressure from them as we are responsible for raising you in the way that we think is best and to give you the freedom to spread your little wings and take the direction that is best for you when it is time for you to leave our nest...knowing that we are always here for you and that no matter how far you fly....our love for you will always travel with you. No religion can capture that love and define the infinite, at least that is what I have come to realize, but if one day, you feel you can relate to one of the religions of the world and want to be apart of that religion that is your journey and each of us needs to find the path that is best for us. We love you very much little one and that is what matters more than anything else in the world.

Well, my little butterfly inside....time for us to take a nap...Love, Momma

23 weeks and 6 days...

Dear Sweet Pea (name given to you by your Pop Pop Stud),

I just had to share with you some of the things that your Dad says to you as they are so funny. This evening when he came home from work, he started talking to you pretending that you were geared up to celebrate your birthday one day early and so he was saying how he saw you in there with your party hat on and party popper as well, a cake, but that you could not hide them from him as he could see you try to sneak them behind your back and that you would have to wait until we celebrate your birthday tomorrow morning as we always do with a "Happy Birthday" song. I was laughing and laughing as I could just imagine this little baby hiding his party stuff.

Then, later I walked into the room giving my belly a vigorous rub with both hands and Dad looked up and said, "Don't do that you will give his hair static," and I started laughing again imagining your little head with your hair standing up on end....how sweet.

Today, I was playing with you and I was so surprised to find that you would kick my two fingers as I pressed them into my belly and no matter where I moved them, you hit them. You were definitely following my fingers around and playing with me back. I told your Dad about it and he did the same thing and had the same experience. It is really something that you are so aware of your surroundings and really can't see yet as your eyes are not open, but you have a sense of where we are when we press on my belly. You are such a wise little soul.

This week, I have been so happy as I rang the painters on Tuesday and they came and painted the two front bedrooms in our house. I really did not like the original colors which were a baby blue in the office and a purple in the spare bedroom, where we are going to keep your things. So the colors I chose where a terracotta red for the the office and a rich, golden yellow for your room. They look so nice and have changed the whole feel of the front part of the house and made it feel more like our own home instead of a rented house. I am so glad that we were able to paint.
Well, I am off to bed. My friend Cassandra is coming over tomorrow and we are going to go out in the morning together to the craft store where I am going to look for a book that I can make a baby book for you. It would be so much fun to create something for you.

It is hard to believe that you are now going to be 24 weeks tomorrow. I feel so well and happy. My tummy is definitely sticking out and you are growing so well. It looks so cute and I often say to you, "You are making Mummy's belly look so cute!" Besides the belly, the rest of my body seems to be holding its shape, which is a bit of a relief. I think I was concerned that I would gain a lot of excess weight, but I look and feel GREAT! I bought my first maternity top and pants as I am starting to grow out of my normal clothes.

Much love to you little one. Daddy and I love you very much.
Momma

23 weeks - May 11, 2007

This week, your Dad went to Melbourne for a day for a work related event and afterwards he got to spend some time with Uncle Mike, who gave us a beautiful Walt Disney Story book for my birthday. Dad read you the story of the "Turtle and the Hair" when he came home with the book. We read to you every night after dinner a story or two and lately we have been reading the stories of Winnie the Pooh and each of us reads a page from the story.

The weather has been a bit cooler these days and so I have not gone to the beach for a swim. I hope that next week's weather will be a bit warmer and not as rainy and cloudy as I really like going to Cronulla's ocean pools and doing a few laps with my kick board.

While I am pregnant, I would like to read beautiful books and a friend of mine loaned me "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom. We finished the book last week and it was such a beautiful true story of how to fully appreciate life. I was really touched and realized that my Aunt Veronica was in fact my Morrie as is my dear friend Xavier Vargas Vanoni. There is a beautiful story in this book about a wave that I would like to type here as it is something that I would like for you and I to remember as we live our lives.

Excerpt taken from "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom, p. 179

"I heard a nice story the other day", Morrie says. He closes his eyes for a moment and I wait.

"Okay. The story is about a little wave, bobbing along in the ocean, having a grand old time. He's enjoying the wind and the fresh air--until he notices the other waves in front of him, crashing against the shore.

"'My God, this is terrible,' the wave says. 'Look what's going to happen to me!'

"Then along comes another wave. It sees the first wave, looking grim, and it says to him, 'Why do you look so sad?'

"The first wave says, 'You don't understand! We're all going to crash! All of us waves are going to be nothing! Isn't it terrible?'

"The second wave says, 'No, you don't understand. You're not a wave, you're part of the ocean.'"

I smile. Morrie closes his eyes again.

"Part of the ocean," he says, "part of the ocean." I watch him breathe, in and out, in and out.

One day this week, when your dad came home from work, he said to me, "It looks like Mommy has swallowed the moon." My belly is getting a big more rounder and distended as you grow up, up, up and right this moment, I can feel you moving around inside me. It is so nice to feel you swimming around in there and I really look forward to each new stage of this pregnancy.

On Wednesday, we went to a sign language workshop for parents so that I can learn to communicate with my hands and voice. It seems that you will have a greater chance of communicating with me with your hands at first and so Dad and I are going to use sign language with you so that you can tell us what you need and want and therefore, may not get as frustrated when you can not verbalize your needs. It was a lot of fun and I gained confidence in my ability to sign with you.

I also try and go to the float center at least every other week and have a float with you to relax. It is such a nice way for me to spend time with you and with myself in the quite darkness of the floating tank.

It seems that we have finally come up with two names that we like for a boy and a girl. If you are a girl, we will call you, "Maia," which means "Goddess of the Spring." And if you are a boy, we will call you, "Kiran," which is of Hindi and Sanskrit origin meaning, "Beam of Light." Your dad and I really liked the name "Kieran" but in Gaelic it means "Black," and I didn't want your name to mean "Black" as you are a little light in our life. So how sweet that by changing the spelling, your name will actually mean, "Beam of Light."

I still am not sure if you are a boy or a girl and if I was going to have an ultrasound, which I am not, I would probably find out your sex, whereas your dad does not want to know. In one way, it will be the best surprise of my life, on the other hand, I would like to just be able to call you by your name or know which sex I am relating to. Sometimes, I get excited that you are a girl and then I think, immediately, gee, I would also be happy if you were a boy. So there is this constant back and forth that goes on, when I am relating to you trying to encompass both genders. Laugh. I really don't know if you are a boy or a girl. Most of our friends and family think you are a girl. Uncle Mike, can't quite figure it out, and he is usually pretty good at figuring out the sex of the baby. As a joke he invented the "Sex-O-Meter" and each week, he gives us his reading, last week was a girl, this week is a boy...sometimes I think that it would be a nice surprise for the family if you were a girl as Nanna Power had two boys and it would be great to get some more girl energy in the family. Then, on the other hand, you Dad is such a kind-hearted and loving man, it would be lovely to see him raise a son.

Well, tomorrow, we are going to Nanna's to celebrate Mother's Day with her and so I need to start getting the house in order and lunch prepared as I want to pack a lunch for Nanna to enjoy on her special weekend.

Keep growing my little one. You are doing so many important tasks this week and we want you to grow healthy and strong.

Love,
Momma

22 Weeks

Little One, This is such an exciting time as I have been feeling you move for the past month and when your Dad returned from Tasmania, the day afterwards (Week 20), you gave him quite a few little kicks and you continue to do so. It is a strange sensation to feel you moving around inside me and I am feeling more and more excited that you can now feel, hear and see dark and light. I often wonder what you are doing in there and wish I could have a glimpse of just how you are moving as sometimes you hit me so hard it startles me and you are only just a little sprout about 10 inches long and just over a pound or 500 grams.

Pregnancy seems to be a time when mother's get to work through anything from their own experience that is still hanging about and needs resolved on an emotional level. It is good to release it and as I do, I explain to you what I am feeling so that we can learn together.

I talk to you all the time and I explain how I am feeling and explain things to you as though you understand me as I really believe that on some level you do understand and as I learn something, you learn with me. I never want you to get confused with my emotions and so I clarify things for you. Like I couldn't figure out why I was nervous about having a little girl and then I realized that I was projecting my experience as a baby onto you and was irrationally worried that you would suffer as I suffered as a baby. My mother and dad loved me very much, but they were going through a really difficult time as a couple and my mother was suffering greatly. She was really sad and hurt. So after I was born, I could sense my mum's sadness and upset, which lasted for nearly a year or more of my life and I still feel that sadness surface as there is a part of me that remembers. She loved me and really took good care of me, but she was not in a happy, peaceful state of mind. I don't know when it all happened as it could have been six months after I was born, but it was definitely in my first year of life that they had marital problems.

Now understanding what I do about babies and their development, it seems that the first two years of life lay down the emotional groundwork for a child and if there is any upset, it can have long lasting consequences. I often wonder if my Dad had been more at peace and had a loving and respectful relationship with my mother how I would be different and more peaceful inside.

I feel so very lucky that you are coming into a loving, respectful and kind relationship. Your dad and I love each other very much and we have a very solid relationship that is ready to accept you into our lives and give you the attention and love that you need to thrive and feel emotionally secure. In many ways, you are going to get the experience that all little people deserve to develop to their highest potential as a person. (This is not to say that your Dad or I are perfect, but we are aware and will do our very best to give you the love that you need to thrive in your life.) Plus, if everything goes to plan, we hope to have you here at home in our bedroom with Betty and my dear friend Cass, as a birth support. It will be so nice to not have to go to hospital, unless, of course, it is medically necessary. I really feel comforted by the fact that we are treating birth as a natural life event.

According to a book that I am reading, "Pre-Natal Parenting," you are already experiencing all that love right now and you are developing a security about yourself and your environment. Little one, know that you are loved deeply. We are so anxious to hold you and to kiss your sweet head and just marvel at the wonder that you are....

In terms of physical changes, I have to say that I started noticing my pants were getting tighter around week 18 and so I could not longer wear my jeans. Now I am down to the last few pairs of my regular pants that seem to fit, but will not in another month as your house continues to stretch upwards. Our midwife, Betty, came by on Tuesday night and said that my uterus is now just above my belly button and growing up well. She also was able to find your heartbeat and for the first time got a reading right on top of your little heart. It sounded like a little frog in there. Your heartbeat seems to average around 150 BPM.

This past week, I noticed that I feel an increase of pressure on my bladder and have an urgency to go to the toilet. On the other end, I tend to be constipated and find that I can't eat big meals anymore. Sometimes after I eat, I have a hard knot that I feel tighten just below my sternum or a band of tightness and discomfort that stretches across my abdomen, just below my rib cage. My hips ache and I can see a few spider veins appearing here and there. Really, though on average, I feel quite well and these symptoms are just a natural part of the body changing.
I just wanted to note these changes so that if you are a girl and ever have children, you can see if you have anything similar changing in your body when you carry your little one.

This week, your Dad and I went to a talk called, "Parenting for a Peaceful World." It really gave me a lot of confidence to think that many of the techniques that the speaker highlighted are skills that I had to learn in my role as a counselor. I don't know what it will be like to raise you as a toddler, but according to the speaker, attachment parenting helps establish the emotional stability that the toddler will need to freely express him or herself. Then, you have to start helping your child develop healthy boundaries and those are best established if you can create an emotional connection with that child. So instead of just making rules, you try and help the child connect emotionally with you and why you are setting the rules, so eventually instead of just blindly following along with a list of dos and don'ts, the child can connect with the parent's emotional reason for setting the rules. It all sounds good in theory. I just hope that I have the patience to let you go through what you need to emotionally and help to give you clear boundaries. I will do my very best.

I have also been doing regular excercise this week and I have been doing a bit of meditation in the morning as well as yoga. Then, I took us on a trip to Cronulla where we went twice for a swim this week in the rock pools. It was such a nice feeling and your dad noticed how relaxed I looked afterwards. It is so nice to go with you to the water and enjoy the sun shine. Now that you can see light and dark and feel, it must be pretty special for you to go with my on my swim, hear the ocean and water around me as well as see the sun on my belly as we sit and eat our lunch together on the grass, while looking at the beautiful sea. I didn't think I was that big on the ocean, but there is something really beautiful about the water here in Australia.

I am looking forward to sharing you with my Mum when she comes to visit us in October. Your Grammy Jean is a very special lady who is so kind and loving and I know you will really appreciate the time that we have with her together.

Another nice thing that your Dad and I do with you is that we snug every morning and send you lots of love and when Dad gets home from work we each read you a book and we have started reading the book, "How do I love YOU" every night before we go to bed. They say that little people remember stories and are comforted to hear them again outside of the womb, so it will be nice to make this a special ritual and we will always read that book to you each night and remind you of the special time that you were in my belly and very much loved by Dad and I.

Well, little one, this has been a really long entry, but so much has been going on that I wanted to let you know how I have been feeling and what we have been doing together.

I want to write to you on a weekly basis from now until you are born, so until next week. More adventures for us as you continue to grow healthy and strong.

Love,
Momma

20 Weeks

Hi Little Sprout,

Tomorrow you will be 20 weeks old and officially a "baby" according to Australian standards. I have been talking to you and singing to you this week as you started to be able to hear me. Also, I have noticed that I can't eat big meals as I really feel my stomach pushing up against what feels like my rib cage. It is a weird sensation and I even feel the muscles in my stomach having little spasms, or something like that...if I knew you were higher up, I would think it were you kicking me.

You continue to keep moving and I love to feel you floating around in there. It is such a nice feeling.

I talked to you Dad today. Well, I talk to him every day. He is really missing us and can't wait to see us on Sunday. I think both your Dad and I have been so busy that we haven't had so much time to think about missing each other, but I really have been missing your Dad this week. I can't wait to give him a hug and a snug on Sunday. He is such a lovely, lovely man. I plan on going into the airport to meet him even though he expects me to greet him outside. How could I sit there and wait in the car while he gets his luggage...fat chance...I will be standing there waiting and ready to hug him.

Well, it is time for us to get ready for bed.
I love you little one.
Momma

19 weeks 4 days

Dear Little Sprout,

It is so hard to believe that more than a month has gone by since my last post. Life has settled down a bit since then and it is much more peaceful. Everything works out for a reason and I am so glad to not have had to return to my previous doula school. It will be easier for me to complete this on-line course and become a certified doula.

A lot has happened in the last week. At 18 weeks - 3 days on a Monday, I felt you move for the first time. I think I may have felt some movement the Wednesday before, but I definitely felt you hit me from the inside while I was laying on my back relaxing on my yoga mat. It actually felt like a pebble had been thrown from inside of me. I actually gasped out of surprise and then started laughing as I realized it was you communicating with me....clearly. Even since I have been feeling you move and it has been such a joy to know that you are swimming about inside me.

On Sunday, April 8, we dropped your Daddy off at the airport so that he could fly to Tasmania and attend a two week practical permaculture course with Geoff Lawton on Bill Mollison's property. Your Daddy was so excited to go and I made sure I was smiling when I said goodbye to him, even though I got a bit sniffily in the car on the way home. I love your Daddy so much. He is a wonderful man and we are lucky to have him in our lives. He looks after us and loves us very much and it makes me so happy to see him doing something that he loves to do. He plans on leaving IT and making permaculture his life and we will be going with him to the country one day to take care of the earth and live in a more sustainable way. He will be coming home this Sunday evening. I can't wait to see him and I hope he can feel you moving around in my tummy.
Apparently, you started to be able to hear last week and I had to laugh as we spent March 11 from 4 a.m. to 11:22 p.m., supporting a couple during the birth of their son, Milan. Demeter, the mother, sounded through the whole birth and when I got in my car at 2 a.m. the next day to drive home, I could still hear her low vocalizations ringing in my ears. I was so tired afterwards and I still think that I am recovering from such a busy 24 hours. So the first sounds that you heard last week were a woman making birthing noises for hours and hours. It was so nice to see Demeter and David birth their son in the birth center.

I spent some time recovering on Thursday and on Friday, my 37th birthday, we went for a shiatsu massage and then for a float. It was so wonderful to relax in the water and then we went to meet Mommy's good friend Edwina to have dinner with her and spend the night at her house. On Saturday, we went and had an early lunch with Ricardo, Kate and their babizhina. (I have a feeling that the two of you are going to be very good friends.) We are going to be going to Kate and babizhina's birthday in early July. Then, in two months after that it is our turn.

It is hard to believe that we are halfway through our pregnancy! When I saw, Demeter and David's baby Milan, I said how much I can't wait to hold you one day, but please stay safe and sound in Momma's tummy until you are fully cooked...smile.

On Saturday afternoon, we went to see a BEAUTIFUL movie that is one of my favorite films called, "As it is in Heaven!" We are going to take Dad to see it when he gets home. It is such a special film.

Then, we drove home and Cassandra and her pregnant belly, took us to the outdoor movie near our home and we saw Milan Rouge. It was an entertaining film. Fine for the night, but probably not one of my favorites...then on Sunday, I taught "Calmbirth" from 9-6.

No wonder I am so tired these days, but I am having fun getting around in our car while Daddy is away. We went and had lunch with two of my friends yesterday, Marienne and Melinda. Then, we checked in on Demeter and David who are doing fabulous with their new baby, Milan.

Today, we saw Polly Wilkie, our osteopath, who was working on Momma trying to get everything in alignment since I have a few aches and minor complaints typical of being pregnant. Then, we went for another float with Tamara my friend and the lady who I will be supporting at her birth in early May.

Tomorrow, we are just going to enjoy the day here at home and start straightening up the room where we are going to store your baby clothes and items.

I am so happy to be pregnant with you. It has been very special to feel my tummy getting bigger and to feel you moving around. I talk to you every day and we read a book together once a day either in the morning when we get up or when we go to bed at night. I get so tired in the evenings that I have been going to bed around 8 p.m.

I have been so happy lately spending time with friends and feeling so loved by the people who remembers my birthday. Grammy Jean and Pop Pop surprised me by sending me a beautiful arrangement of flowers. They were really, really lovely with a bear and a Happy Birthday balloon. Then, I got a few phone calls from friends and my brother, your Uncle Dan and Aunt Holly called to wish us a happy day.

Well, I think it is that time little sprout for us to get ready to go to sleep as we have had a big day today. I am sending you lots of love as you continue to remind me that you are riding around inside my tummy. I love you very, very much.

It will be so nice to see your Dad on Sunday. I have been so busy, but now I am really starting to miss him.

I will try and write from now on at least on a weekly basis. Oh, I forgot to mention at our last pre-natal appointment with Betty Vella, our midwife, Dad and I could hear your heartbeat loud and clear for a long time. It was easier to find as you are now bigger in size and it is so nice to hear you alive and well inside me.

We love you very much.
Momma

13 weeks

Last week was really a tough one for both of us little one as we both know when I am upset or anxious it affects you. It boiled down to a terrible misunderstanding from the point of view of the director of my doula school. She ended up deciding to suspend me from my doula school and then I decided to withdraw from my program as it was not worth the stress even if I was only six weeks away from completing my program.

I have been talking to you little one saying that Momma is o.k. and that we are learning together how to handle conflict with grace instead of anger. I really don't feel angry. I am just disappointed that after nearly an entire year of knowing me, she would jump to such a radical way of handling an issue that could have been solved by a face to face discussion. As hard as this has been, I am so happy that she specified in her letter that all correspondence needs to be in writing as it would cause me additional stress if I had to speak to her more about this situation.

I have contacted another doula training program, which is an on-line course. Everyone I talk to is very supportive and it has been nice to hear so much encouragement.

On a very, very happy note, Betty, our midwife, came over on Friday night and we were able to hearing the whoosh through your cord and the placenta and then finally a few beats of your heart beat. I don't think you like the radio waves of the dopler very much and so it is a good idea that we did not plan on having an ultrasound (unless it is medically necessary, of course.) Your Dad took a video of me listening to your heartbeat. It was so special. Your Dad and I are so excited to be pregnant and to watch my belly grow as you get bigger and stronger.

We love you very much little one.
Momma

Today I received a beautiful message from my dear sister in Mexico and I wanted to post it
on this blog. She said something very beautiful at the end of the letter which was not to think
that my Aunt is far way from me, but that she died to be closer to me. That is such a great comfort.

Letter from Lupita:

en verdad siento mucho que estes pasando por esto, te entiendo perfectamente, pero bueno no cabe mas que decir que aveces no debe de haber un motivo ni una razon para morir, simplemente los doctores no sabian lo que estaba pasando por que en verdad los seres humanos no tenemos ni idea de lo que pasa cuando morimos y por que morimos en determinada fecha o circunstancia, es algo maravilloso algo fuera de nuestro alcance, que no entenderemos hasta que pasemos por eso, pero aunque sea doloroso para nosotros los vivos, es algo maravilloso para los que mueren, mi hermano me lo ha hecho saber asi, en verdad nos ha mandado tantos mensajes, tantas palabras que nos reconfortan, que no le tengo miedo a morir, nunca le tube pero ahora menos, por que se lo que hay despues, por que estoy segura de que hay algo, por que se que me espera mi hermano, y si muero cuando no debia, tendra un significado, asi tu tia, no murio por que tu estuvieses embarazada, murio por que tenia que morir se acabo su ciclo para que tu hijo pudiera empezar uno nuevo, y si, va estar contigo, y si lo va a conocer aunque tu no lo sepas, y lo sabras, sabras que esta ahi contigo, cierra tus ojos y escucha con tu corazon y veras que ella vendra, despues te mandare un mensaje que nos envio mi hermano....

no pienses que se fue lejos, piensa que se fue para estar mas cerca de ti...

te quiero mucho y lo siento en verdad

12 Weeks

Time has flown by and little one you are now in your 12 week of gestation.
So much has happened since the last time that I wrote an entry in your baby blog.
My tummy is starting to stick out and you are going to be nearly 3 inches long by
the end of this week. It is hard to believe still that you are in there and that
Dad and I are going to have a son or a daughter in six months time. I can't wait
until I can feel you moving around and when my tummy is sticking out and you can
play with your dad from the inside of me.

Your Dad and I decided to go away for two weeks and take a permaculture course.
I was not sure if we should as it seemed to be a lot of money, but then I kept
having this niggling feeling inside telling me to just go ahead. It is always good
to follow your gut feelings as those two weeks changed our life. We are now clear
that we want to live in the country and raise you in a place with clean air and
farm animals and a beautiful vegetable garden. Dad realized that he wants to teach
permaculture and so we are going to work in the city for a few more years or less
if we can manage, and move to the countryside where we can buy a small block of
land and teach you about how to take care of the earth.

During our trip, I received some very, very sad news. I have been talking to you
about it as I know you share my emotions while you are riding around in my belly. My dear Great-Aunt Veronica died suddenly and unexpectedly on February 12, 2007. She had been in the hospital for a minor procedure that went well and then a week later, she ended up with an impacted hernia which required emergency surgery. I did not know this
& before I left on Thursday, I had talked to her. She sounded like her old self, full
of vigor and life. On Tuesday, your Grammy and Pop-Pop called me to tell me that she
had died with a complication that they did not quite understand, but it seems that
she went into respiratory distress and came to with a tube down her throat. She
said to my aunt who was with her that it was her husband's birthday and a few hours
later she died. I am so very sad as I spent my childhood seeing her nearly every day and

I was always in touch with her. She was so very special to me and I wanted her to meet
you in person. I have a feeling through that you are meeting her in spirit as you
ride around in my tummy. It has just been a very difficult time for me and I did
not want her to die while I was pregnant. I keep telling you that you are o.k. and
that I will be o.k. and that death is a natural part of life that just makes us
feel sad while we get used to not having the person with us physically.

My cousin Chrissie, who is expecting a baby girl in June, wrote me a beautiful
e-mail that I wanted to include in this blog as it really helped me to see how
Aunt Veronica will continue to live through me to raise you into a wonderful
human being:

Letter from my cousin Chrissie:

I will share with you the biggest revelation that I received from
Grammy's death.  I understand your feelings for AV as I lived on the same street
as Grammy for 10 years and spent almost as much time with her as I did my
own mother.  Grammy's love for me was unconditional so in a way I had more loving
feelings toward her because there was no discipline, does that
make sense?  I believe I have an idea of how you are feeling and hope this
offers some comfort, especially where the baby is concerned.

Grammy died a few weeks after Mike and I got engaged.  It was nearly
impossible for me to imagine my wedding without her and I was
devastated by it.  She knew Mike and I were engaged and was thrilled but I felt
awful that she would not be there.  It took me a few months to really get over it
to the point where I would cry every time I thought of her.  The
hardest part for me was the physical void her death left in my life.  I had a
part of my heart that was dedicated to her and I still had all of this love
to give but there was no one to receive it.  I also felt the pain as I
watched my mother grieve as Grammy was her best friend.

At this time I was still unsure that I wanted to have children.  Mike
and I were very happy as a couple but I was unsure of how we would be as
parents.  I went back and forth about it a lot.  It was a few months after Grammy
died that I realized it was my destiny to have a child because all of the
love I had to give to Grammy I could give to someone else, she would have
wanted it that way.  In addition, even though Grammy was gone by having my own
child I could watch my mother become a Grammy to her and perpetuate that love
we shared. The love and relationship would still exist, only in a
different form.  I am especially pleased to be having a daughter so this could
happen for us. I have really come to believe that the love is a circle that
moves through the family and through generations.

The feeling of the physical void is very strong, it was truly theworst heartbreak I had ever felt.  The feeling does pass eventually.  I can
say there is never a day I do not think of her nor do I want there to be.
My house is full of her art and I am sure my parenting techniques will be
a reflection of her in some ways as well.  I know AV is thrilled about
your baby and you can share your stories and love of her with your little
one.  I know this does not make things any easier but I think that the joy this
baby will bring to your family will help ease your pain and will keep your love
of Veronica alive.

8 Weeks Old

On Friday, I will be eight weeks pregnant with You, Little One. How exciting! We will call Betty and make our first appointment with her. I feel so lucky to have the choice to birth at home and choose such a lovely midwife who can attend us. There is this beautiful poem by Suzanne Arms:

A Hand Full of Hope

If we hope to create
a non-violent world
where respect and kindness
replace fear and hatred

We must begin
with how we treat each other
at the beginning of life.

For that is where
our deepest patterns are set.

From these roots
grow fear and alienation
~or love and trust.

I truly believe that you are so wise and are such a sensitive little person that you deserve, as do I, a gentle entry into this world. You know when I went with my friend Cassandra to the Calmbirth seminar last year, I physically was shaking through the whole first day. I didn't know where it was coming from, but somewhere deep inside me, I needed to heal my own birth experience. Your Grammy Jean now realizes how she missed out on my birthday by deciding to be put to sleep instead of birthing me, but I know now that she felt the fear that many women in the West have come to experience about birth. Thankfully, the Calmbirth seminar as well as the classes that I have been teaching mothers, has allowed my own inner self to heal and now I feel a sense of confidence and trust in my body. I really look forward to birthing you Little One.

As I was eating my lunch today, I was thinking how lucky we are to live in a first world country where Dad and I can afford to buy such lovely food for us to eat so that you can grow healthy and strong within me. I still have to eat every two hours or I start to feel this flip flop feeling in my stomach, but after eating, it subsides and I feel like myself again. I just feel tired at times and I take a nap with you on a daily basis. It is nice to rest as both of us our working so hard to make sure that you grow big and strong.

Dad and I have made a deposit on a permaculture course which we plan to attend for two weeks beginning on February 11. We are going to drive up to Norther NSW to a place called The Channon where we will study with Geoff Lawton. Your Dad and I have realized that we have not been on a vacation together, just the two of us, in nearly two and a half years! We have tended to spend our vacations with my family or with Dad's family, but we need some time together before you arrive as we know that being a family is different to just being a couple. We really look forward to being a family.

It is sweet as every morning, your Dad will lay on my stomach and kiss my belly where you are and tell you how much he loves you and he encourages you to grow big and strong. You have such a wonderful, wonderful man for a Dad. I get teary eyed just thinking about him. Yesterday, I was speaking to you about how kind he is and I nearly started to cry....smile.

Well, I need to go and make dinner. Keep on growing big and strong. Love you!

I had recently written a letter to a friend and I decided to make it one of my posts as it describes how we helped make you, our little one. Tomorrow we will be seven weeks pregnant.

You know after reflecting as to how we got pregnant, I can honestly say that it happened when my perspective changed and I decided to take time every fews days to meditate on the love that I felt for the child that had not yet come into our lives. I also started to visualize myself pregnant and get excited about the fact that one day, whether it be this month or next year, that I was going to have a child. David always had a firm belief that we would have children, but I have to say, now in hindsight that I was focused more on the fear that "maybe something was wrong" or "maybe we can't get pregnant" that in fact, I was pushing it away. I didn't realize this at the time, but we recently saw a wonderful movie called, The Secret. (You really must go to a video shop and rent it as it is about the power that we possess to manifest in our lives the things that we dream of if we can hold on the the positive emotion that we feel toward our goals and maintain that energy until our goal is reached...) Yes, the herbs supported me in getting pregnant and I love my osteopath, who also played her part, but I feel that I truly created this baby and it was not given to me through herbal supplements or osteopathic adjustments...David and I really brought this baby into being with our positive emotion. Rent the Secret and give it a try as it really makes you feel a whole lot better to send out the love that you feel for the children that are waiting to come to you. In our case, we had also just moved house, which was something I really needed before getting pregnant, as I did not want to raise a child in an apartment and I did not want to move when I was pregnant. So, whala, days after our move, our child was conceived....so I think there are a lot of factors to making a baby and not all of them are physical.

I was feeling fantastic and then things started changing as I entered my sixth week of pregnancy. Being pregnant is not at all what I expected as it is a gentle unfolding that begins and then changes start to happen on a physical level. My body is not behaving the way it normally does, so I need to dance to a different rhythm and the last few weeks have been about getting to know what that new rhythm is. I absolutely have to eat every two hours, a small snack or meal, otherwise I start to feel a queasiness in my stomach. Yesterday, I went to throw out the garbage and our compost and it just hit me the wrong way and I literally just made it to the kitchen sink and had to throw up three times. I laughed afterwards, as it is so bizarre that my body just simply can not take bad smells...only roses for me...smile. (David is now on garbage duty...laugh.) My tummy is already distended (and it is not from the baby) but probably being slightly bloated and my boobs, well, they were the first indication that something was going on...finally, for the first time in my life, I am starting to look voluptuous....laugh.

As I write all this to you, I can remember as well that last month, I actually had an inclining that I might be pregnant, but what was different was than other months when I thought I was pregnant more out of a wish that it be so. I was afraid to acknowledge it or say it outloud, I kept it to myself like a secret and then when we tested after my period was one day late and the test was negative, I cried out of disappointment because I also was spotting two days in a row. (Bascially, implantation bleeding that happened on Dec 24-25), so this baby was literally our Christmas present. We decided to test gain on January 1 and got the best New Year's suprise...finally a double line on the pregnancy test!

I don't want to fly long distances when I am pregnant as there is a therory out there, who know if it is 100% scientific, but that cosmic radiation can affect the baby...sounds a bit "space invaders" to me, but none the less, I am going to stay put on Austraian soil until the baby is born. Plus, we really don't have the time as I have three women who have asked me to support them in their births this year: one at the end of March, another in early May and the last, good friends of ours in July. Then, two months later, it will be our turn!

I have already hired an independent midwife, as doctors are only used here in Oz when there is a high risk pregnancy or a complicaton at birth, and with all my training, I would prefer a natural birth in a birth center with a midwife. She is a wonderful lady with 35 years expereince delivering babies from breeches to twins to just your normal presenation, all naturally. So I am going to be in very competent hands. She supported my friend Cass and will be the midwife at the birth in May. The nice thing is that she comes to our home for the prenatal visits and will see me every day at home for ten days after the baby is born. It is an amazing service and worth every penny.

We had one of the best Christmas' that I can remember. We rented a cottage out in the country with David's Mum, Dad, brother and uncle for three days. It was all about eatting, relaxing and playing board games. Lots of fun!

So little one, that is what has been happening with your mum as your ride around inside me. Your Dad made me laugh, as he does, when he said that you were finding it to be like an amusement part ride when I was throwing up yesterday. The way Dad was pretending to be you inside me, it was so funny, I am sure that you were laughing along with us.

Well, snuggle up as Momma goes to take her afternoon rest. I love you very much my dear little one. Keep growing big and strong. You have your little flippers now for your hands and feet. How exciting!

Surrending to the tide

It is interesting how I learn to surrender to my body and not fight against the tide that keeps helping you grow big and strong little one. It is remarkable how Mother Nature has designed this little miracle inside me. This week I am feeling increasingly tired, I take a nap at least once a day, and I also have gotten to feel a bit more "off" as my hormone levels continue to climb to support your little life and all its happenings. So I eat regularly to suppress the feelings of queasiness in my stomach. Miso soup seems to really help as does a homeopathic remedy for nausea.

I feel happy inside knowing that you are there and we are together in this beautiful journey. You already bring us so much happiness. I can't wait to one day feel you kicking around inside me or when we can see my tummy grow and know that you are getting bigger and bigger, getting ready to meet us.

One month old

Dear Little One,

It is hard to believe that you are already one month old. You are changing so fast and this week you are almost the size of a pencil eraser! You little hands and feet have started to sprout and by the end of this week there will be paddles for your hands and feet.

Last Friday, you Dad left work at lunchtime so that we could call your Grammy Jean and Pop Pop to tell them that you are here with us. It was funny as I had hoped to tell them when they opened a package with bibs, but when Grammy Jean opened the package, we realized that it was a calendar and a Christmas Angel that I had sent to them before the New Year. So I just decided to go ahead and tell them anyway by saying that there was another package in the mail that had two bibs in it. Grammy Jean, said "Oh, two bibs" and then I said, "We're having a baby!" Grammy Jean said, "Are you serious?" Pop Pop and Grammy Jean were so excited to hear our wonderful news about you little one.

Then, you Dad and I piled into the car to go up and surprise your Nana and Poppy Power. We gave Nana her birthday present with a bib inside and she couldn't stop jumping up and down when she opened it. She and Poppy were so excited for us and happy that you will be here this year.

This week, I have spent most of my time at home resting and working on an assignment that I have to do. Today, I am going to clean up the house as our friend's Ricardo and Kate are coming over tomorrow for their last Calm Birth Class and we are going to eat together and play games in the afternoon.

I feel good except that I am noticing I feel increasingly tired and I want to sleep more. Thankfully, I don't feel sick, but just a bit queasy in the morning if I wait too long to eat my breakfast.

Your Dad and I are planning on going on a permaculture study in February for two weeks and then Dad plans on taking at least four week off when you are born, but we are focusing on trying to make that six as I understand that I will need the support and I would like that time together as a family.

I have so much fun ready about you and finding out how you are developing inside. It is so amazing how quickly you are growing and putting into place all the parts of yourself you will need to feel healthy and strong. Dad and I are so excited that you are here with us. We talk to you every day. When I walk around, I think of you in my belly as though you were like a little Kangaroo.

Much love to you my little one,
Momma

Almost time to tell your grandparents

Tonight we go to Nana Carmen's and Pop Pop Bill's to tell them about you. I just got an email from Grammy Jean saying that they got our package and are waiting to open it. Your dad went to work early this morning and I am busting to tell my parents. It is hard for me to wait until Sunday morning to speak to my parents and reveal our exciting news about you little one. I really can't believe they got the package that quickly as I sent it off on Tuesday so it only took four days to arrive to them. It has two bibs in the package telling them that you love your Nanny and Poppy. How exciting!

Well, I have lots to do today. Your dad and I set up the Loving Birth room yesterday and it looks so nice. I am looking forward to teaching couples at the end of this month.

Your dad and I are also planning on taking you on a trip at the beginning of February when we are going to take a permaculture course for two weeks. We figure that it would be a good idea to take in now before we have you as we are going to be so busy and it will be hard to take a class with a little one running around in the future. We are planning on building an environmentally friendly home in the country one day so that we can look after the planet and teach you about nature and how to respect our Mother Earth.

So many exciting things to look forward to this month and you are growing so fast. This week you start to look like a beautiful seahorse and you establish your umbilical connection with me so you get to have some of all the nutritious food that I eat each day for you, so that you can grow healthy and strong. Your little back bone (your neural tube) also closes this week and with all the folic acid in my system, you will have no problem performing that task. Your little heart also starts to beat this week. You are working so hard and well in there my little one. Keep up the good work as we long to meet you at the end of your magical journey inside me.

Telling people about you.

Little One we have had so much fun this week telling people that you are with us and will be arriving in September this year. On Monday, we had our friends, Cassandra, Gerry, Tristin and Talin over for lunch and they were so happy to hear our news. We then decided to call your Uncle Mike to find out where he was in the city and without having to say much, he revealed that he was going to be at the swimming pool at Milson's Point. So we turned up with a present containing a baby bib the said, "I Love My Uncle, " he opened it and you will laugh one day when you see his reaction. He was so excited and we got it on our video with our small camera. We then went over to tell our friends Ricardo and Kate. They are going to have their baby three months before us, so you will have a friend to play with one day, the Little Riskalla.

On Tuesday, we sent off baby bibs to your Grammy Jean and Pop Pop Stud in the USA and to your Uncle Dan and Auntie Holly. We have asked them to call us before they open their package as we would like to see their reaction on the web cam or over the phone at least. So much fun telling people about you.

On Friday, we go and visit your Nanna Carmen and Pop Pop Bill to tell them and since it is your Nanna's birthday, we are going to give her and Pop a bib to surprise them. They will be thrilled, I'm sure!

Dad and I are trying to figure out how to go to a permaculture workshop for two week in February and for Dad to still have enough vacation time to spend the first month with us at home. We found out yesterday and his workplace only provides one week un-paid leave, but don't you worry about that, Dad and I are going to make sure that we have time together as a family to bond in the first month.

In terms of how I am feeling, I am very excited to be pregnant. Sometimes I feel a little anxious hoping that you landed in the right place and are in my uterus and not in one of my fallopian tubes! Apparently, it is common for newly pregnant women to worry a bit about whether everything is o.k. in there. I realized that I just need to trust you little one and know that you have the intelligence to make it through the next few weeks as so much happens for you in the coming eight weeks. It is a very exciting time a you form all of your important organs and really grow in size. We will keep sending you love so that you will know that you are loved and welcome. You are a very special gift to us and we love you very much.

Today you were discovered

Dad and I decided that we would wait for New Year's Day to take our home pregnancy test to confirm our suspicions that we were pregnant with you little one. We are so excited that you are here sweet baby. It feels like we have been waiting a long time for your arrival, but you were so smart and knew that we needed to get settled in our new home before your arrival to us. Your Dad, being very exact, looked at his watch and it was 6:40 a.m. when we found out that we were pregnant with you. We were so excited I walked from the bathroom with the test in my hand looking to make sure that it was working and within seconds the line appeared confirming that you were with us. I was so surprised as I had a feeling all month you were on your way and to see the test confirm that you were indeed here...well, I was speechless! Your Dad and I just laid in bed hugging each other and thanking you for coming to us. We are so proud to be your parents and we will be giving you much love so that you can grow healthy and strong. I am getting teary eyed right now as this month I just would sit and meditate on how much love I felt for you. Waiting for you to come taught me the importance of letting go of an outcome as you can not force Mother Nature and I wanted to give you the freedom to choose when you wanted to be born. All I could do was meditate on the love that I had for you and send you the message that we were now ready and now you are here with us! We looked on the internet and found out that if you are born in September your stone will be a sapphire which means "purity of the soul." We also found out that the majority of sapphires are found in Australia and in our state of NSW. Grammy Jean will be happy to hear that she will be able to add a new stone to her mother's ring as both of your cousins were born in January. Now over to Dad...

Well, what a fantastic new years gift! Thank you for joining our family little one. I am so proud of you already having made your long journey all on your own. Well now you are part of our family ;-). Both mum and I have waited for about 7 months for this special day. We knew for a while that you were with us in spirit, but now seeing that you have made yourself a home with us is so special and I thank you for choosing us as your parents. Now make sure that you take some rest and sleep as much as you can. Mum will feed you well, and we will both give you love when ever you need it. I am a very happy dad right now. Thank you little one.